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Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Nov. 16, 2009) Written by Mike Shannon on 11/16/09
WWE RAW (November 16, 2009)
-The Pittsburgh Penguins are handling their business tonight, even though their injured reserve list looks the the all-star team lineup.
-We open with Roddy Piper and instantly go to...Luis Guzman to plug a movie? WTF? THIS is how we kick off Raw live from Madison Square Garden? Piper wants to bring in an iron chef but gets the Iron Shiek instead who goes off on one of his patented crazy, senile rants. At least he didn't threaten to bang someone up the ass this time. I'm very surprised they actually mentioned Hulk Hogan on TV...
-We finally get started for real with the NEW theme song and video that everyone has been anticipating for so long. I'm digging the new theme as the old one had DEFINITELY run its course.
-LIVE, of course, from Madison Square Garden in NYC.
United States Championship The Miz vs. MVP LOVING the narrow entrance ramp, as it is a throwback to the 1970s and puts the fans right on top of the workers, where they belong. Miz runs down the Yankees for some cheap heat. I could go off on a rant here about how terrible major league baseball is and how it's a dying sport that no outside of the East coast and LA give a shit about....but why stress myself out? The Miz is awesome, by the way.
Miz hammers away in the corner but misses a blind charge and gets tossed around the ring before taking a powder to the outside to regroup. MVP attempts to bring him back in the hard way but Miz cheap shots and the knee and injures it before ramming MVP's head into the post. Back in, Miz goes to the chinlock which, of course, allows MVP to come back and hit a flapjack. MVP brings it with a facebuster and the Ballin' Elbow then floors Miz with a big boot for two. MVP attempts a head scissors from the corner, but Miz turns it into the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: The Miz
-Pretty good TV opener as, what a concept, WRESTLING kicks off a wrestling show. As Arn Anderson always said, it says "wrestling" up there on the marquee. ***
Chavo Guerrero vs. Santino Marella Santino is in full-blown suck up mode by wearing a New York Rangers jersey. If he were a real Ranger however, he would injure his knee before choking in the 2nd round of the playoffs. My bad, because Santino has EVERY SINGLE NEW YORK JERSEY EVER on. Finally, Chavo cheapshots him and hits the Three Amigos suplexes but Santino keeps rolling to the opposite corner when Chavo tries the frog splash. This goes on long enough for the no-drawing, waste of life, f***
ing midget to distract Chavo and Santino rolls him up for the win.
Winner: Santino Marella
-OK, seriously? You know what this gets...DUD.
-Degeneration X hit the ring to plug their book and then giving it away to Shari Shepard, because Lord knows you should give free stuff to a celebrity. HHH promises that DX will NOT implode at Survivor Series...no siree, Bob. On to a more serious matter, DX is STILL pissed that the f***
ing midget is running around stealing their gimmick. DX lures him into the ring by promising him a spot in the group but they immediately turn on him and Pedigree the shit out of him. DX! DX! DX!
-You can't say the midget didn't have it coming. I mean, how long have they been telling him to cut the shit with the DX stuff? The dumbass only has himself to blame. I love how the writers know they can have DX beat the shit out of the midget and not get heel heat at all because no one cares about him. DX takes him out on a little mini-stretcher. Good, I hope he's future endevored tomorrow by 9am.
Dear Hornswoggle,
f***
you.
Your friend,
Mike
-Montage of WWE's history with Madison Square Garden. Michael Cole, of course, ruins it for me by asking "did you know WrestleMania was born here?" Well, no f***
ing shit asshole. Did you know that I wish I could kick you in the balls over and over and over and over and over again until an army of people pull me off of you?
-Backstage, Roddy Piper meets Chris Jericho next to Piper's makeshift monument to himself. Roddy brings in Chris Masters, who now only exists to bounce his pecs in turn to music....they showed a montage of MSG's greatest wrestling moments and then cut to THIS?
-Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock is the guest ring announcer for the next match, if you care. He announces this is now a Lumberjill match.
Lumberjill Match for the Divas Championship Melina vs. Alicia Fox The amount of silicone surrounding the ring right now is mind blowing. Alicia immediately gets dumped to the outside and scrambles back inside to get rolled up for two. Now, Melina gets dumped and the heels beat her down before tossing her back inside for Fox to get two. Melina comes back with something that is supposed to be a clothesline, but runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Alicia tries something or other, but Melina traps her in the Last Call for the win.
Winner: Melina
-A post-match brawl between the models breaks out and the faces clear the ring. *1/4
Well hello there.....you seem to have dropped your shirt.
-Roddy Piper hits the ring to reminisce about his career and says he fought Capt. Lou, Andre, Sammartino, and Hulk Hogan. He says if you mess with him, you either go bald or die. DAMN...now that's funny and wrong at the same time. He mentions he can make that joke because he loves them all...except the bald ones. Piper is ON tonight. He even mentions the "Real Sports" episode that got him fired in 2003. Piper says he has one thing to do before riding off into the sunset and that is to wrestle Vince McMahon.
-Vinnie Mac has to answer those quasi-shoot comments with some of his own, calling him fat, old, and ugly. After some more verbal jostling, Vince states he's retired so too bad. Roddy says that's just another way of saying he's a coward and wants the fight to happen TONIGHT!
-YOUR host for the three hour Raw next week....Jesse "The Body/Governor/Harvard Professor" Ventura. I can dig it.
-Your Irish hero and mine, Sheamus, hits the ring to make an open challenge to the locker room. Nobody answers his challenge, so he decides to beat the shit out of the time keeper instead. Well, that's a legitimate reaction. Jerry Lawler sticks his nose in the Irishman's business and gets knocked out with a boot to the face. Well, if one of those cowards from the back would have answered the challenge, none of this would have happened.
-Matt Striker joins the announce team to take over for the King and Cole runs down the Survivor Series card.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger For some reason, we cut to commercial right before the match starts and come back with Swagger working a reverse bearhug. Bourne counters a suplex in a spot these two are starting to recycle way too much for two, then hits a dropkick. Double knee press off the top rope gets two for Bourne but he gets caught on a moonsault attempt and Swagger hits the setup for the Oklahoma Slam but then turns it into the Gutwrench for the win.
Winner: Jack Swagger
-Basically a squash match *1/2. Wave bye bye to any heat Evan Bourne had....
-Roddy Piper hits the ring to hear Vince's answer to his challenge, but Randy Orton beats him to it. Since this is an East coast crowd, they immediately cheer the hell Orton and approve of him punking out Piper. Striker thankfully mentions the connection between Piper and Cowboy Bob Orton or else no one under the age of 20 would have any idea why this is occurring.
Orton lines Piper up for the PUNT OF DOOM~! only to get interrupted by Kofi Kingston. The production guys were actually late hitting Kofi's music so Orton had to stop the punt mid-move and look like an idiot. Bad, bad, bad. Anyways, they brawl into the crowd but Orton gets the advantage and guillotines him on the bottom rope. Randy tries for another PUNT OF DOOM~! but Kofi leaps to his feet and kicks the hell out of Orton all around the ring.
They fight to the director's area and Kofi SMACKS Orton with a random piece of metal and busts him open the hard way. Then, to top it all off, Kingston lays Orton out on the table and LEAPS at least 6 feet off the railing and smashes through Randy. ORTON IS DEAD. That was an AWESOME segment and if they ever wanted to pull the trigger on Kofi, NOW IS THE TIME.
-Backstage, John Cena promise DX he is ready for Sunday.
Jerishow vs. John Cena & The Undertaker vs. DX It's already 11:00, so I wouldn't anticipate this being very long. Of course, by the time the Undertaker's elaborate entrance is finished it's 11:07.
After some tagging in and out, HHH starts with Big Show and Taker. Hunter and UT go nose to nose before they decide to double team Big Show. Taker gets rid of him over the top rope and HHH runs into a big boot. HHH comes back with a spinebuster and tags in Shawn, who chops away and Show floors Taker with a spear. Jericho gets the Walls of Jericho on Shawn, but Cena tags himself in and interrupts the hold. There is just way too much going on to properly recap it.
HHH whips Jericho into a Cena sideslam before Big Show chokeslams both of them. Undertaker has had enough of his shit and takes out Show with a flying clothesline then boots him to the outside, where he follows and gets sent hard into the ringside barrier. Back in, Jericho gets two on Cena and HHH gets the hot tag to HBK, who cleans house on Jericho with the usual stuff and hits the flying elbow. He TUNES UP THE BAND~!
Sometimes you just gotta rock shit out
However, Cena cuts HBK off and hits his comeback stuff (which the crowd HATES) but HHH tags himself in and hits a high knee. Facebuster sets up a spinebuster and he tries a Pedigree but Show interrupts with a headbutt. HBK takes out Show with Sweet Chin Music, but suffers a Codebreaker shortly thereafter. Taker gets rid of Jericho with a chokeslam, HHH sends UT over the top and to the floor, leaving only Cena who hits HHH with the Attitude Adjustment for the win.
Winners: John Cena & The Undertaker
-Post-match, Taker destroys Cena with a Tombstone because he needs to get his head back immediately. Why? Because he's convinced the writers he should, that's why. Way too rushed due to time constraints with no real story told, but it was nonstop action and I can appreciate that. ***3/4
Final Word Well, I will give them this, it was a entertaining show, especially the last hour. The Kofi-Orton segment was AWESOME and definitely makes me wonder if they'll actually go with Kofi without the screwjob this Sunday. The main event was good for what it was, but I think if you cut the Divas shit and the Chavo-Santino crap, you got yourself a hell of a main event. I don't know if it's worth the PPV price, but we'll see.
