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ringsideMAYHEM >> News Article
Mike Shannnon's Raw Review (Nov. 23, 2009) Written by Mike Shannon on 11/23/09
WWE RAW (November 23, 2009)
-I did catch Survivor Series last night and I was pretty glad I didn't pay for it. The only match that had any special feel to it was the Cena-HBK-HHH match and I saw the finish coming a mile away. Also, the Undertaker win was nothing we haven't seen on TV a million times before (babyface champion overcomes evil tag team in handicap match because of heel's greed) so no biggie there. If WWE expects me to shell out cash for their PPVs next year, especially since they are increasing in price without increasing in quality, they better shape up.
-LIVE (for three hours) from Hershey, PA (home of chocolate and NOTHING else)
-Jesse Ventura is introduced, but Randy Orton decides he will grace us with his presence instead. How does the WWE camera guy find the only skank wearing a tube top in November in Pennsylvania? Randy begs for a title shot at Cena until Jesse joins us in a snakeskin coat...classy. He proclaims himself the "Governor of Revolution" and says the same people get a shot at the title over and over again. CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM THE CONGREGATION???
AMEN JESSE!!
-Jesse books a series of qualifying matches to get into a battle royal and earn a title shot on either brand. The only catch is, to get in these matches, you can NEVER have held the World title. I'm diggin' this so far. AND IT STARTS NOW!!
-Recap of Kofi's destruction of Orton at MSG. Kingston's push is going well so far, but it needs something to maintain momentum...
Breakthrough Qualifying Match Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler Dolph hammers away in the corner and Kofi misses a dive to the corner, so Ziggler gets two. Mr. Perfect neck snap gets two and he follows with a nice slam for another near fall before hitting the chinlock. The I'm-better-than-you elbow gets two and we go back to the chinlock. Kofi finally fights out and shows off his leaping ability before hitting the Not-Jamaica-Now-Ghana legdrop, but he misses Trouble in Paradise. Dolph tries his reverse STO, but Kofi hangs onto the ropes and hits TIP for the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
-Basic TV match with the face getting beat up before hitting his big move for the win. **1/4
-Backstage, the Miz is thankful he's so awesome.
Breakthrough Qualifying Match Sheamus vs. Finlay THE IRISH POWERS EXPLODE~! Sign of the night: Kofi has a bobsled team. Would have been funnier when Kofi was still Jamaican. Finlay takes to to Sheamus, brawling with him to the outside but he gets caught coming back into the ring and gets punished by knee drops. Sheamus puts him down with a double-ax and sends Finlay hard into the post. Razor's Edge is academic and it gets the win.
Winner: Sheamus
-Sheamus sells on RAW for the first time, but it was still a squash *1/2. Post-match, Sheamus is still upset about the refereeing in the World Cup match, so he takes it out on Finlay. Sheamus sends him into the post then boots Finlay into the first row. They sure are throwing the machine behind the pale Irish guy.
-Backstage, Teddy Long shares dinner with his consultant, Vickie Guerrero. She has somehow gotten more unattractive with time off...
-Meanwhile, still backstage, Orton begs Ventura to reconsider his title shot but gets no love from The Body.
John Cena vs. CM Punk Punk lets us know that he's straight-edge and that means he's better than us. Hershey, PA apparently really loves their booze and, judging by their women, I can see why. WOOOO!
Punk stalls to draw some cheap heat and a headlock leads to a stalemate before Punk gets smart and uses leg kicks to drive Cena into the corner. Cena comes back with a bulldog for one and Punk heads for the hills but WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!
We're back with Punk using a leg choke but Cena counters into an electric chair to break. Punk stays in control with a clothesline and a neckbreaker gets two. Punk lays in some elbows to the neck for another near fall but Cena comes back with his usual shoulderblock-shoulderblock-blah-blah-blah but Punk lands on his feet for the Attitude Adjustment and tries GTS. However, Cena catches his foot and turns it into the STF but Punk fights to the ropes.
Punk catches Cena with a shot to the head, but Cena kicks out at two. Punk works the kneelifts and hits the shining wizard in the corner but takes too long on the bulldog follow up and gets slammed. Top rope legdrop gets two for Cena and another Attitude Adjustment is countered into a leg lariat for a Punk two count. Punk misses a splash to the corner, catching himself in the corner, so Cena grabs him, heads up to the second rope and hits the AA for the win.
Winner: John Cena
-Really good TV match out of these two, even though there really wasn't a story told ***1/4.
-Backstage, Jesse has summoned Vince to his office and gets a subtle dig on Piper saying he's not low enough to challenge him to the a match. Ventura wants this to be a "throwback" night when Vince Sr. was in charge, so Jesse assigns Vinnie Mac to his old post as a play-by-play guy with Ventura as the color guy. I'm legitimately excited about this, is that sad?
Old school baby....old school
Breakthough Qualifier Match MVP, Mark Henry, & R-Truth vs. Chris Masters, Chavo Guerrero & Jack Swagger Whichever team wins, all three head to the battle royal. Swagger starts with MVP but gets slugged down for one. Swagger drives him into the heel corner, where Masters gets a cheap shot and allows Chavo to hammer away. Masters comes back in and gets clotheslined down, allowing the hot tag to R-Truth, who hits a kick for two and triggers a PIER SIX BRAWL~! Mark Henry dumps Chavo onto Swagger (with Jack hitting his head HARD), leaving R-Truth to hit the corkscrew elbow for the pin on Masters.
Winners: MVP, Mark Henry, & R-Truth
-Way too short and basically just an excuse to get more guys in the battle royal. **
-Backstage, Shawn is VERY sorry about superkicking HHH at the beginning of last night's main event. HHH admits he would have Pedigreed Shawn as well, but that's not the point. A midget attorney shows up (yes, seriously) and serves them with a notice to MIDGET COURT.
Breakthrough Qualifying Match Evan Bourne vs. Primo Colon Bourne is on the cover of the new WWE Magazine and is predicted to be a "future champion" but I don't get how that happens with him jobbing every week.
Randy Orton jumps Primo on the entrance way and I guess this is ECW circa 1997 now because we have an IMPROMPTU MATCH~!
Breakthrough Qualifying Match Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton So they have a great concept and then go ahead and f*** it up an hour after creating it. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WWE! Orton sends Bourne into the post and guillotines him on the bottom rope for two. Bourne counters a neckbreaker and manages to hit a double knee press for two. Orton catches Bourne in a powerslam off a springboard and hits the RKO for the win.
Winner: Randy Orton
-This isn't good "I'm pissed at the heel because he's a bad guy" heat, this is "I'm pissed that your are screwing me out of what I expected to see with this bullshit again" kind of heat. Not good times...bad times. *
-Recap of Jesse making fun of Vince McMahon back in the late 80s-early 90s. McMahon might have been annoying as hell on the mic, but he played a decent straight man.
Hold the phone...
-It's the Marine 2. Starring...no way....TED DIBIASE?!?! A direct-to-DVD movie? Starring a WWE SUPERSTAR? You see this seat? 99.5% of it isn't being used because I'M ON THE EDGE OF IT BABY!!!!!!
Mayflower Melee Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Melina vs. Michelle McCool, Layla & Jillian Hall The heels are "pilgrims" and the faces are "indians". What a bunch of garbage. To amp up the WRESTLECRAP, the freaking Gobbledy Gooker from Survivor Series 1990 is the time keeper.....
I wonder if they got Guerrero to play the Gooker again this time? The "indians" actually use Tatanka's old music.
Tatanka...buffalo...Tatanka....
Can you tell I'm just entertaining myself at this point? Melina hammers away in the corner but gets slammed off the top rope and tossed around the ring. Jillian comes in but gets caught on a charge to the corner and they f*** up something but it still gets two. Jillian sucks....and not in the good way. Layla misses her cue to get a cheap shot on Melina but Jillian still gets two. Then, for whatever reason, the heels leave Jillian and Melina wins without half of the participants never entering the ring. What...the...f***...was...that?
Winners: Indians...unlike in history
-Total and complete shit -**1/2. The Gooker unmasks to reveal Maryse, who attacks and lays out Melina. Guess what? The crowd does not care at all. What drama.
-Damn, this show sure went down the tank awfully quick.
Why can't she just do this for 2 hours? Why force us to watch her move?
DX vs. The Hart Dynasty Prepare for all the Bret Hart/Montreal references you can handle. Damn whiny Canadians.
The new DX entrance is still WAY too polished for a so-called "revolution" but, let's be honest here, this is NOT a true Degeneration X and it never has been.
Kidd starts with HBK and he takes a flying forearm but Smith comes in with a snap back suplex for two. Natalya has definitely got the look of a diva down....she looked like softball player before. No more. Smith punishes HBK with a backbreaker and then brings Kidd back in who hits Shawn with a dropkick to the face for two. Enzugiri gets two for Kidd and Smith tags in for the British Bulldog patented delayed vertical suplex for two. Smith tries the running powerslam but Shawn counters for the double KO.
Hot tag to Hunter, who hits Kidd with a high knee and facebuster. Spinebusters for both of the Harts, but the Pedigree is broken and Smith hits a big boot to take back control. The Harts try for the Hart Attack, but HBK breaks it up and Kidd jumps right into the welcoming arms of HHH who has a Pedigree waiting for him.
Winners: DX
-You knew the Harts weren't getting the win, but I guess they looked as good as you could expect DX to let them look. ***
-Chris Jericho crashes the party to announce that, at the next PPV, DX will face Jerishow for the tag titles. HBK one-ups him by announcing that it will be a TLC match.
-My wife's boyfriend, Batista, is out (with Mysterio's music) to say Rey brought everything on himself. He says everyone better hope Raw wins the battle royal because, if a Smackdown guy wins, he dies. Threats to the Undertaker draw out Kane who begs to be made an example of. Batista, of course, decides to fight another day.
Breakthrough Qualifying Match Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy JTG hits a facebuster on Cody out of the corner for two, but DiBiase attacks from behind and traps JTG in the heel corner. Legacy switches off on Smackdown's resident thug and Cody hits a dropkick for two. JTG catches Cody with his head down and gets the hot tag to Shad, who cleans house as usual. The live crowd is just dead at this point. Shad powerbombs DiBiase for two, saved by Cody, and a brawl erupts where DiBiase hits Dream Street on Shad for the win.
Winners: Legacy
-Standard Raw tag fare **.
-Backstage, Gail Kim and Alicia Fox tease a pie fight but Santino reminds them they should be in the kitchen. He calls for all the Divas to unite and cook him dinner. Of course he gets the pies.
Breakthrough Battle Royal MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Sheamus, Randy Orton, Kofi Kingston, Legacy Vinnie Mac and Jesse Ventura are on commentary. McMahon is even rocking the early 90s Vinnie-Mac-tuxedo with bow tie. Awesome. Jesse busts out "Shut up, McMahon!" for old times sake as well.
Legacy gangs up on Kofi right away until his buddies save him. Sheamus lurks in the corner while Randy stays on the outside of the ring and everyone pairs off. Vince and Jesse's commentary is more entertaining than the match. MVP and Mark Henry hammer away on Legacy until Sheamus finally attacks and dumps R-Truth.
Kofi and Orton square off in the corner and Sheamus attacks again, booting MVP in the head and dumping him to the floor. Henry gets pissed and goes after Sheamus, but he hangs on. Henry gets rid of both members of Legacy and Mark is quickly dumped by Sheamus, leaving him, Kofi, and Orton.
Sheamus is content to hang back and let the enemies go at it in the corner. Sheamus picks his spot again but it's the wrong one and he takes a neckbreaker from Orton. Kofi almost gets dumped by Orton but he skins the cat back in and uses a headscissors to dump Randy. Kofi is busy celebrating his elimination of Orton, so Sheamus clotheslines him out to win the title shot.
Winner: Sheamus
-Sheamus was the smartest guy in the ring, so it's only fair that he wins. This also frees up Kofi to continue his rivalry with Orton. Battle royals are impossible to rate, but this one was boring as hell. When Vince McMahon's commentary is the highlight of the match, you've got a problem.
-As per Jesse, the contract signing will happen RIGHT NOW! By the way, if this were 1985, Sheamus would immediately work 28 days a month with Hulk Hogan and pull in about $20,000 a night. I'm not kidding. The contract signing is after the commercial...
-YOUR guest host next week is Verne Troyer aka Mini-Me. I'm sure Hornswoggle will be involved at some point and make me want to throw my television in the Allegheny River.
Main Event Contract Signing Sheamus demands that Cena stand up and show respect to him. Cena is unimpressed because Sheamus beats up only smaller guys and asks, what's next? Does he beat up Michael Cole? Don't tease me like that, Cena. It's not right. Cena goes all super intense on Sheamus, who says he retires men because he CAN. They both sign the contract but WAIT...
Jesse proclaims that there is a CONSPIRACY to keep John Cena champion, which is the same reason he never got a shot at the title. Cena goes face-to-face with Jesse, but that just opens the window for Sheamus to take his head off with a boot and slam him into the ring post. Sheamus slams Cena through the table as Jesse announces it will be a tables match at the PPV. A heel Jesse is still better than 99% of the heel roster, Jericho being the exception.
"God save Ireland!" said the heroes;
"God save Ireland" said they all.
Whether on the scaffold high
Or the battlefield we die,
Oh, no matter when for Ireland dear we fall!
Final Word It started out very good, hit a DEEP pit in the middle, then finished...OK. I'm glad someone new is in the main event, but is Sheamus really a viable contender at this point? Probably not. However, Kofi's push is continuing and they appear like they are heading in a new generation. Once Kofi is solidified, my next pet project will be the Hart Dynasty, but that's another column.
Decent show tonight, three hours is alot of Raw to take, but it was entertaining enough.
