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ringsideMAYHEM >> News Article
Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Dec. 7, 2009) Written by Mike Shannon on 12/07/09
WWE RAW (December 7, 2009)
-So, I read Jim Cornette's open letter to wrestling fans (which I found here http://nodq.com/features/262225661.shtml but I'm sure can be found elsewhere as well). It's amazingly awesome of course, but it also dampened all my enthusiasm I had for Raw tonight. While I do not share his belief in ROH, I do miss my wrestling. And, as your personal hero and mine said once...
"DEATH to sports-entertainment!"
-LIVE from Dallas, TX (home of the biggest choke-artist QB of the last 15 years).
-Pittsburgh native Mark Cuban kicks us off and announces a "face-off" between Cena and Sheamus. Ohhhhhhh, I got a hole in my ceiling from the buyrate EXPLODING UPWARDS BABY!!
John Cena vs. Carlito Carlito desperately needs new entrance music. Carly stomps a mudhole in the corner and hits a dropkick for two. Cena comes back with his usual crap but Sheamus's music interrupts the Five Knuckle Shuffle. However, Mark Cuban (legendary shoot fighter of course) stops him with the STARE OF DEATH. Carlito attacks from behind but even the distraction can't overcome to jobberific powers of Carlito because Cena reverses the Back Stabber to the Attitude Adjustment for the win.
Winner: John Cena
-Basically a squash match with nothing going on. *
-Legacy hit the ring to demand that Mark Cuban book him to face the World Champion after the PPV, threatening him with a repeat of Survivor Series 2003 (Randy with hair!).
Bitchin'
Cuban, of course, says no and books a rematch against Kofi Kingston with himself as the special guest referee. Cody wants a match with Cuban, but Mark has a better idea...
Evan Bourne & Primo Colon vs. Legacy We come back from a commercial with Legacy flapjacking Primo and beating him down in the heel corner. A Primo comeback attempt goes nowhere and another heel beatdown commences before Rhodes gets two. Cody and Primo clunk heads for a double KO, which allows the hot tag to Bourne who cleans house with his usual high-paced stuff. He catches Ted with the double knee press for two, broken by Cody. Primo gets rid of Cody, but Bourne whiffs on his move and DiBiase hits Dream Street for the win.
Winners: Legacy
-Jobber, thy name is Bourne **3/4. Cuban ejects DiBiase and Rhodes from the arena just because he can.
-Hype video for Sheamus. Sorry, no matter how much they hype him, he's still nothing after Cena puts him through a table this weekend.
Maryse vs. Gail Kim Gail starts out in control and hits a clothesline then follows with a rollup for two. Maryse comes back with a slap, which pisses off Gail so she beats her face in the corner. Maryse catches her going to the top and slams Gail backwards then gets the pin with her feet on the ropes.
Winner: Maryse
-At least they kept the bikini model match short tonight. * Maryse is pissed that guest ring announcer Kelly Kelly didn't announcer her right, so they get in a brawl. Must be that time of the month.
-Backstage, DX shills the shop zone stuff while a Hulk Hogan advertisement hangs in the background. 10 different types of weird. Of course, the f***
ing midget makes an appearance because Vince McMahon hates my life. Closing with "who wrote this crap" pretty much sums up my feelings on this show.
-Another hype video for Sheamus, this time beating up King. Maybe that will be his next feud after Cena sends him back to the midcard.
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton Mark Cuban is YOUR special guest referee. Kofi kicks his ass to start and clotheslines him to the outside before following with a dive between the ropes. Back in, Orton takes over with a clothesline of his own and stomping away.
Bodyslam sets up a kneedrop but then we go to the chinlock and sloooooow down. Kofi finally fights out and hammers away in the corner before hitting a stiff uppercut and the Ghana Legdrop. Trouble in Paradise misses and Orton hits his backbreaker to stop that momentum. Maybe clapping over and over again before the move could be considered telegraphing the move? Kofi counters the RKO into a backslide and Mark Cuban counts as fast as he can to give Kingston the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
-Pretty decent match but you knew it wasn't going to have a finish, so it gets *** and likes it.
-DID YOU KNOW? WWE is high in Yahoo searches. They conveniently leave out Umaga being #4 on the search list a few days ago because he died. I also loved how they pointed out in their press release that they fired him BEFORE he died, thank you very much.
US Title The Miz vs. Mark Henry Miz gets overpowered, of course, to start but manages to avoid getting crushed by Henry's fat ass and gets two. He throws wild strikes at Henry takes a man-titty to the face, although still manages to dropkick Henry to the outside and drive him into the ring steps. Back in, Miz gets caught coming off of the top rope just like last week but this time he uses the momentum to hit a DDT and gets the pin.
Winner and STILL Champion: The Miz
-I really like the finish of this week building off of last week, but Henry still is totally incapable of being above **.
Contents of Mark Henry's gut...and the head of anyone who actually thinks he's a good worker
Hornswoggle & Eve vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jillian Hall Great a f***
ing midget and a bikini model disguised as a wrestler. I hate my life. A Chavo distraction allows Jillian to hit a backbreaker for two which she follows with tossing Eve around by her hair. Eve comes back with a pair of dropkicks for two then hits a flipping senton off the ropes for the win.
Winners: Hornswoggle and Eve
-Bad, naturally 1/2 *. Chavo beats up on the midget afterwards (didn't he just save him a month ago? We've abandoned that storyline?) but Chris Masters makes a stand when Chavo threatens to knock Eve on her ass. Masters new gimmick of moving his pecs is really creepy and odd. Masterlock for Chavo completes the face turn that no one was waiting for.
Just because I'm bored...guess who this is?
Yep, Jillian. See what a boob job and eating 500 calories a day can get you, ladies?
-Cole and King do the hard sell for TLC.
-Chris Jericho comes out and promises that he is still the greatest in the world and will win all the Slammy awards.
Handicap Match Chris Jericho vs. DX DX lays a beating on Jericho in the corner and keep trading off on him with lots of chops and punching. Not a fan of putting the faces in this situation with the heel at an obvious disadvantage. Jericho makes the ropes and desperately shoves the referee into HHH, knocking them both out. This allows Big Show to make his run-in and beat on Shawn but HHH brings a chair in. He blasts Show but this just pisses him off and he punches the chair back into Hunter's face.
Shawn brings a ladder from under the ring but Jericho baseball slides it back into his face. Show gets hold of the ladder and takes both DX members down then sandwiches them both in the ladder and smacks it with a chair.
No Contest
-Total angle, no match. DX sure is getting set up to win those titles on Sunday.
Main Event Interview Sheamus vs. John Cena Sheamus promises to put Cena through a table this Sunday, but John has no comment. Sheamus says he hopes Cena does use his rematch clause because he'll get to kick his ass again...once again, no comment from Cena. However, Cena finally gets inspiration and talks about all the people he's wrestled in 7 years. The champ is here blah blah blah.
It quickly disintegrates into a brawl and Sheamus takes out Mark Cuban before bootkicking Cena in the face. Cuban fights to his feet and stands up to Sheamus (and is actually taller than him) before he shoves him to the ground. Whoops. Sheamus scoops him up and DRIVES Cuban through a table setup in the corner. Nice take by Cuban there. The Dallas Mavericks finally hit the ring but the damage has been done.
Final Word Well, the show was better than last week, but that's not very difficult. While the concept of a TLC show is interesting, it would have been more interesting in 2001, when it was actually fresh concept and they could, you know...BLEED? Anyways, it seems VERY obvious who the winners are going to be, so I don't think they are getting my cash this week....
