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ringsideMAYHEM >> News Article
Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Dec. 21, 2009) Written by Mike Shannon on 12/21/09
WWE RAW (December 21, 2009)
-So, in preparation for the big showdown on January 4th, I am going to try to be as positive as possible for my favorite promotion's flagship show. TNA is going to put their best foot forward and, since I have plans to start reviewing both shows during the renewed "Monday Night War", I want WWE to get a kick in their collective asses.
-OK, so maybe it's premature to call it a "war". How about the "Monday Night Skirmish"? That's more fitting for now.
-LIVE from Tampa, FL (home of a terrible hockey team who desperately tried to copy the Pittsburgh Penguins...and failed).
Seriously, what the hell is that thing?
-Oh yes, the "long awaited" midget court will be tonight...you see my seat? 95% of it isn't being used because I'M ON THE EDGE OF IT BABY!!
-Johnny Damon, YOUR guest host tonight, kicks us off and gets booed because MLB is a joke. He tries to intro the "secret Santa" but a blonde chases a guy dressed like a tiger into the ring with a golf club. OK, seriously? That's supposed to be funny? Oh that Vince McMahon, always has his thumb on the pulse of pop culture.
Santa's Little Helper Tag Match Melina, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim vs. Maryse, Jillian Hall, & Alicia Fox Wow, way to get me on your side real early, Vinnie Mac. Jillian starts against Jillian, but misses a blind charge and takes a high cross body for two. She comes back with an electric chair drop for two and tags in Maryse who hits a backbreaker for her own two count. Gail gets the lukewarm tag to Kelly, who hits her TERRIBLE offense before a big brawl erupts. Melina ends up dropkicking Kelly on top of Maryse and that's good enough for the win.
Winners: Melina, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim
-The same format as every single Divas tag match ever. *1/4
Do I really have to make up a fake reason for this?
-Now, it's time for Little People's Court. So, HHH and HBK head under the ring and, after many bad jokes, they end up in a room with a midget jury and judge. Hornswoggle is suing for intentional emotion distress or some shit and shows video evidence. Why am I recapping this f***
ing garbage? They actually LEAVE A CLIFFHANGER TO THE SEGMENT! I hate this show right now.
Legacy & Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, & Evan Bourne Where's MVP? Randy Orton runs away, so Henry kicks Legacy's ass instead. Press slam for Cody allows Kofi to come in and stomp a mudhole in the corner but neglects to walk it dry, missing a charge and now WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!
We're back with Kofi getting the hot tag to Evan Bourne so he can show off his moveset without ever getting a win. Air Bourne hits on Cody Rhodes, but DiBiase interrupts the count. A pier-6 brawl breaks out and Orton puts Bourne down with a clothesline to turn the tide. Orton guillotines Bourne on the ropes and DiBiase adds a vertical suplex for two. DiBiase clothesline allows a Marty Jannetty-esque 360 sell for two until finally countering with a kick to the jaw for the double KO.
Hot tag to Kofi allows him to tee off on Orton dropkicks and the Ghana Legdrop for two, interrupted by Rhodes. Henry kills Rhodes and Kofi gets rid of Orton. DiBiase charges but Kofi sees him coming and hits Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winners: Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, & and Evan Bourne
-Now, this is MUCH better. Solid working from all the guys (except Mark Henry) leads to a really good TV match ***1/4.
-Backstage, Carlito tries to hit on Eve but Chris Masters interrupts. Santa tries to make a match but makes the mistake of saying it's an order. After Slaughter is unmasked, Damon makes a match. Sarge trying to kiss Damon was very strange and odd.
-Back at the f***
ing Midget Court, there's more video evidence. They are found guilty and pelted with garbage. In all honesty, DX fighting off the creepy midget arms with their glow sticks got a chuckle out of me. Otherwise, this was a total waste of TV time which, if shown in 2 more weeks, will DEFINITELY cause people to switch to TNA.
John Cena vs. Jack Swagger Swagger uses some mat-based stuff to take control and hammer away in the corner. Cena comes back with a bulldog and back drops Swagger to the outside before we have to take yet another commercial break...
The search is on for anything exciting occurring during this show...
We're back with Swagger hitting a slam and lays the badmouth on Cena while Cole complains like a bitch. Jack misses a blind charge but Cena's comeback is stopped by a sideslam for two. Swagger works the back with a submission hold, but Cena powers out with a belly to belly for two. This comeback is countered as well with a boot to the face and a legdrop. This is boring as hell.
Running Vader Bomb gets two for Swagger and he tries the Gutwrench, but of course Cena counters with a backdrop. Cena hits his usual offense that I've seen a billion million trillion times but this time Swagger counters an Attitude Adjustment with an Oklahoma slam for two. They both head up top and Cena shoves Swagger off but the top rope legdrop misses. Swagger tries the running Vader bomb one more time, but that misses as well and Cena locks on the STF for the win.
Winner: John Cena
-I understand the story they were trying to go for, with Swagger countering everything and Cena barely pulling out a win, but it was boring and predictable as hell. This might just be me, but I am rapidly losing patience with this show. *** Maybe I've been watching my Rock DVD too much recently and Cena is an extremely poor replacement...
Stallion
-Backstage, Santa Claus is now Dusty Rhodes...if you wheel (the polka dot gives him away). At least he didn't have to put on a fake gut for the part. MVP comes in and wants a piece of Sheamus tonight in order to earn a title shot. Dusty still has more charisma than the entire locker room.
-TNA commercial during Raw....damn.
Chris Masters vs. Carlito Masters tries the Masterlock right away, but Carlito avoids it and locks on a sleeper. Eve is ringside to offer her cleavage as support. Actually, a bra is supporting her cleavage, so technically the bra is supporting Chris Masters. Nevermind.
Masters hits a powerslam then yells "MASTERLOCK!" which could be seen by some as telegraphing the move. Carlito somehow knows the Masterlock is coming and counters. His Back Stabber, however, is also countered and this time the Masterlock is locked on for good and that's it.
Winner: Chris Masters
-Eve kisses Masters because every girl loves a man with bouncy boobies. * This Masters face character has NO chance of getting over.
-Backstage, the Miz tells Santa what he wants for Christmas. But Santa never gives presents to a TAX CHEAT. IRS is always good for a laugh. The Tiger thing is still going on in the background, if you care. WHAT THE HELL IS MAE YOUNG DOING HERE? She seriously has to be 5000 years old at this point. Doesn't she have a great great great great grandchild to tell her to stop this?
See, she wasn't ALWAYS old.
-Next week: Timbaland hosts. Wow, really couldn't care less.
Sheamus vs. MVP Sheamus lays some stiff shots in as the paleness of Sheamus' skin causes my dog to have a seizure. She'll be fine. Backbreaker hits but a blind charge does not and MVP hits a facebuster. Baller elbow is stopped by the running big boot and the Razor's Edge finishes things.
Winner: Sheamus
-Well, that's a pretty dominant win over a midcarder. *1/2
-Post-match, Cena runs down and demands his rematch clause RIGHT NOW. Well, that's not very fair is it? Sheamus, rightly, exits the right with his title belt. Where does Cena get off demanding things like that? What a crybaby.
-Backstage, Johnny Damon meets Vince McMahon and makes Sheamus vs. Cena for the title next week. However, Damon makes the mistake of asking about Bret Hart and Vince quickly exits.
Had a ****1/2 match with your mom last night
The Miz vs. Santino Claus Yes, it's Santino out to make bad jokes about Christmas. Miz attacks right away and soaks in the boos for beating up an Italian stereotype dressed like Santa. Neckbreaker hits and Miz chokes Santino out in the corner. Corner clothesline misses however and Santino comes back with a hiptoss but a second rope headbutt misses the mark. Skull Crushing Finale puts Santino out of his misery.
Winner: The Miz
-This was the equivalent of Mr. Perfect vs. Dwayne Gill on All American Wrestling. *
-Recap of the Little People's Court for some damn reason.
-Big Show wants the REAL Santa to grant his wish, dammit! "Santa" comes out and is joined by the EXTREMELY overrated Bella twins. He asks for his best buddy Chris Jericho to be back on Raw, which Santa says will happen next week. The f***
ing Midget rusn out from under the ring and un-beards Santa to reveal Chris Jericho.
Then, an army of f***
ing Midgets surround Jericho and a brawl is triggered. What the hell is up with Vince and midgets? The heels get rid of all the midgets until Hornswoggle hits Sweet Shin Music on Jericho (where's Mick Foley to sue?) and that causes DX to run out to his aid.
HHH wants to squash the midget, but HBK has had a change of heart and wants to keep him. The make him DX's official mascot and close the show...
Final Word OK, this was AWFUL. I know there was one good match but the rest was trash and all that positive energy I built up before the show was flushed right down the shitter. I don't really mean it but TNA! TNA! TNA!
