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RD: Spoilers For "The Marine 2" Written by Raging Demons on 12/30/09
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Its time now to have some fun. If you can define "fun" as watching a bad movie.
I have to admit I'm kinda sado-masochist at times. I do the little things for my Group...*cough* AHEM! THE NUMBER 1 WWE GROUP IN ALL OF YAHOO! "The Original WWF Fan Club!" */cough* One of the things that I do is that I spare them from the mental trauma that WWE and their movies MIGHT cause if they see them. So what I do is see those movies for them and warn them. So far I'm about THIS CLOSE to suing WWE for mental trauma caused by their movies of the following: Seeing Kane masturbate on "See No Evil", watching John Cena chokeslam a guy twice his size while Robert Patrick say not to look at him during a hold up because he has "intimacy issues" on "The Marine", watching Nathan Jones as a Russian explode while "Stone Cold" Steve Austin fight with metal pipe arm guards on "The Condemned", seeing Mr. Kennedy fight as a Navy Seal with the Bio "can bench press a truck when he was a teenager" when we all know how he can "bench press a truck" on "Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia", and see John Cena fight a mad genius who can change the day from day-to-night-to day again in "12 Rounds" So what do I do? I go see "The Marine 2" starring WWE's "Legacy" member Ted DiBiase Jr. Initially I didn't want to see the movie because I am freaking tired at the moment due to college and finishing up the "2009 Year In Review" column. The things I do for you people.
So without further adieu...
The following contains spoilers for the latest WWE Studios film "The Marine 2"
starring Ted Dibiase Jr. If you want to see the straight-to-DVD movie yourself
then ignore this post. Else you have been warned!
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The movie starts with a gun dropping in some pool of water. A kid picks up the
gun and aims it at a little girl holding a Super Soaker water gun. The gun
looks so real that this could be an accidental shooting but instead its a water
gun and the kids are shooting water guns in the street. The camera pans up to a
building roof where two soldiers, one black and one white (White Guy is "Legacy"
member Ted DiBiase) discussing what books they are reading. They are observing
a car convoy that is arriving at the building. The soldiers quickly pick up all
their belongings & weapons and move to a different part of the building. The
soldiers have their weapons ready as they are walking across the building making
sure everything is OK. White Guy has his rifle aimed at one the cars ready to
shoot at someone. Black guy is watching the situation through his binoculars as
the people inside the car convoy make what looks like an illegal arms deal.
White Guy noticed a new target coming in for the arms deal and wants a request
to kill him; White Guy's bosses are refusing the kill order. As the soldiers
get ready to take out their target a little boy comes to their area making noise
which causes the soldiers to turn around, they ignore the boy and continue with
their mission. White Guy finds his target and kills the high profile new target
& another person. The little boy saw what just happened and yells in shock.
The arms dealers hear the little boy and notice the soldiers. A gun fight
happens right now between the soldiers & the arms dealer with the little boy
wounded during the fight. White Guy tries to save the boy's life but Black Guy
is telling White Guy that they must leave now. The soldiers are running for
their lives ducking explosions along the way.
Back to a pool of water where we see White Guy wash his face and contemplate
about his actions as we are at an U.S. Marine Base in Asia (RD: Because the
movie tells me so.). White Guy talks to his girlfriend via web cam chat.
White Guy's Girlfriend works for a very rich man named Darrin Collins that's
opening up a major vacation resort that she is invited to for a big party and
wants White Guy to come with her. White Guy seems reluctant to do it but
anything for his girl.
Camera shot to an airplane where White Guy & Girlfriend are inside. White Guy
doesn't want to be at this party but Girlfriend (RD: Or until I know her name
its "Dr. Girlfriend". "Venture Bros." reference. WOOT!) is trying to be
sympathetic to White Guy about the whole party. The airplane lands and the
couple get out off a Jeep to a very expensive beach resort. White Guy doesn't
seem impressed with the resort while Dr. Girlfriend is playing coy with him. A
little playful fighting goes along until an escort comes in and we finally get
names for these characters. "Dr. Girlfriend" is Robin & "White Guy" is Joe.
The escort shows the couple around and explains how the resort is trying to be
the most environmentally sound resort in the world. The escort also explains
that due to the new technology and they have their own geothermal plant, they
have security all over the resort to protect it.
Camera shot to the beach where the couple is playing at the beach with the ocean
waves. Robin notices that Joe looks distant so Robin escorts Joe to some
outside Chaises (RD; Furniture experience right there baby!) and tries to see
what is his problem. Joe seems to dodge the subject while Robin tries to be the
comforting girlfriend, or sorry wife. (RD: They just mentioned this right now!
YEESH!) Joe is talking to Robin about maybe having kids with Robin when Derrick
Collins arrived. Robin introduces Joe to Collins then Collins goes all
obnoxious a-hole to Robin about some Greenpeace lawyer and reporter want to talk
to Collins and he wants nothing to do with it & Robin should go and do her job.
Robin leaves Joe to go ahead and do her job.
Camera pans to a little seaside village where Robin & Joe are exploring. They
enter a building and we see that it's a local Snorkeling Expedition. The owner
of the business, named Church, doesn't want to do business with them. Robin
persuades Church that maybe they can do one exploration because they are
Americans & Yankees fans. Church reluctantly says yes so while Robin is getting
the SCUBA gear, Joe sees the military flag that Church has. Church & Joe bond
like the way military men do (RD: No NOT THAT WAY!). Church takes the couple on
boat to a very exclusive diving spot. The couple gets off the boat and has fun
snorkeling. The couple gets out of the ocean and has a very romantic moment.
They explore the beach for awhile until they find their way back to the resort.
Next scene is the big party where a woman is reading Collins book, dancing, with
party goers, Robin being a party host, and dancing with husband Joe. Collins
goes up to Robin and he is pissed that the Greenpeace lawyer is harassing one of
his major investors and wants Robin to fix it. Joe wants to tear a new a-hole
into Collins but Robin holds him back. Collins & Joe want to trade blows with
Collins calling Joe a "GI with no brains" while responds by saying "I'm not a
GI, I'm A MARINE!" Robin plays peacemaker between the two by holding Joe back
and using logic on Collins. Robin then gets onstage to introduce Collins.
Collins makes a big speech about the new resort. Joe walks out of the party
because it's not his thing and notices something strange at the beach. Church
is there surprising him and he has a box of fireworks with him hoping to create
a spectacle for the party. Joe gets all mopey thinking that Robin doesn't need
him and her work is consuming her. Church convinces Joe to go back to the party
and have fun because "the make-up sex is more enjoyable". While back at the
party Collins ends his speech and Church's fireworks display goes off. Robin &
Collins are talking about his speech while Collins sounds like a conceited ass.
Joe heads back to the party with a couple of drinks in his hand when suddenly
Joe hears something. Joe turns around and sees a rocket heading towards him.
Joe dodges the rocket and hits one of the security towers blowing it up to bits.
The party is shocked at what just happened. Joe investigates the beach to see
what is going on.
Camera shot to a bunch of boats entering the beach where terrorists are invading
the party shooting guns all over the place. Joe ducks and dodges all over the
place thinking he saved somebody but the victim is shot. The terrorists are
shooting the resort up and explosions galore. Joe sees Robin calling him for
help. Joe "Cowboys up" and heads into the fire fight. Joe ducks and dodges
bullets, throws people out of the way, climbs a flight of stairs to take a
terrorist out but another terrorist hits Joe in the head with a Champagne bottle
and he goes down. Collins is asking a terrorist what is going on and someone
that SOUNDS like the Head Terrorist recognizes Collins. Joe gets up (RD: From
"No Selling" a champagne bottle hit?!?). Joe grabs a gun from the terrorists
that he took out and aims at the Head Terrorist. The Head Terrorist is using
Collins as a human shield. Another terrorist comes in and Joes off the upper
floor. Robin thinks Joe is dead but Church finds the unconscious Joe and gets
him out of there.
Joe wakes up hours later at an improvised hospital & SWAT center where the local
authorities are trying to handle the situation. Newscast has a breaking news
story that the terrorists uploaded via The Internet about their manifesto and
their demands. The terrorists will kill the hostages in 24 hours unless they
get a boatload of money. To prove their point the terrorists grabs one of the
hostages and kill him live. Joe wants to go all "Rambo" and to go back into the
resort to save his wife. Church tries to talk him down by saying "don't be a
hero" & "let the authorities take care of it" while the terrorists take the
hostages to a big dining room. Robin tries to play peacemaker to the terrorists
trying to make sure no one gets hurt. The Head Terrorist takes off his mask,
picks up Robin, and throws her to the ground. Collins is trying to get the
people calm and wonder who these terrorists are. Robin thinks the terrorists
are separatists feeling alienated from their country due to the new resort and
hopes that the hostages will remain calm. Unfortunately that doesn't happen for
long as the terrorists take Collins.
Back to the SWAT center where the authorities are trying to figure out what's
going on. Enter Mikhail Shaw, diplomatic advisor. Shaw & the authorities are
trying to discuss their plans when Joe barges in asking for the boss. Shaw
takes Joe outside and talks to him about how they are trying to get this
resolved. Back to the terrorists where they tell their demands to Collins via a
knife to his throat. Collins says the money will be there in two days but the
Head Terrorists wants Collins dead. Collins tries to keep t he terrorists happy
and by saying if he dies then no money. Then the Head Terrorist basically says
"Whitey Is Keeping Us Down MAN! You Don't Know What We Want MAN!" The
terrorists take Collins back to the other hostages while the Head Terrorists
thinks his plan is going into motion.
Back to Shaw & Joe. Shaw sees this as a political nightmare and it's his fault
for letting Collins on the island. Joe lies and says he's with security and
wonders what Shaw is going to do about the situation. Shaw says that this is a
nightmare and he has his own solution to the problem: Guerilla Mercenaries! Joe
doesn't like the idea that mercenaries are here since they will sell their souls
to the highest bidder. Shaw & the mercenaries are talking their plans to save
the hostages. Joe wants to go with the mercenaries and says he'll go no matter
what. The mercenaries say that if Joe goes, he'll be a target.
Back to the hostages. They are getting worried about what's going on while the
mercenaries invade the resort trying to take out the terrorists. Joe follows
the mercenaries along in "Solid Snake Style" a.k.a. sneaking by. The
mercenaries are about to make their stealth strike when they notice Joe. Joe
offers one of the mercenaries his rifle so he can take one of them out. The
mercenary gives Joe his rifle and Joe kills one of the terrorists with a clean
hit with nobody noticing. One of the mercenaries gives Joe a gun and tells him
to go with "Team A". The hostages notice something is going on. Robin asks one
of the natives what's going on and the native says that the terrorists notice
some intruders and they will be killed on sight. Back to the terrorists and Joe
& the mercenaries try to do a radio check and something is going on. Silenced
shots from rifles can be heard. Joe & his team sneak up near one of the
buildings. Joe's team found the other mercenary team dead, all of them shot
in the back. Joe realized that there's a person missing so there was a traitor
in their ranks & thinks there's a traitor in their team as well. Joe was right
as the traitor revealed himself to shoot Joe's team, but Joe shoots the traitor
dead. One of the mercenaries does his Admiral Ackbar impersonation and says
"It's a trap!" The terrorists reveal themselves and start shooting. Joe's team
head into the jungle for cover shooting it out with the terrorists. Joe's team
member gets shot in the leg. A grenade is thrown at Joe but Joe throws it right
back to the terrorists. Grenade throwing ensues as Joe & teammate try to leave
the gun fight. Joe & teammate are trying to survive with terrorists following
him. Joe shoots back in self defense killing a few terrorists and finds a jeep.
Joe & teammate take off dodging bullets & running over a terrorist or two. The
jeep gets shoot up and they collide into a building. Joe & his teammate exit
through the hole the jeep created.
Back to the terrorists with the hostages. One of the terrorists wants to kill a
hostage immediately for what Joe & his team did. The Head Terrorist stops him
and tells him to "walk it off". While at the SWAT center the head of the SWAT
center is not happy with Shaw's actions and tells him to leave. Back to the
terrorists where the Head Terrorist is trying to calm down the Angry Terrorist.
Angry Terrorist says that Joe was with them & he's dead but Joe killed some of
his men. The news of Joe's "Death" upsets Robin & she starts to cry. Back to
the SWAT center and Joe asks how it that there was a traitor in their ranks was.
Mercenary says basically that "we are mercenaries; someone paid him a lot of
money." Back to the terrorists again where Angry Terrorist wants to kill all of
the hostages to prove their point while Head Terrorist is trying to get him to
calm down. Collins moves over to Robin to give her condolences. Head Terrorist
is telling Angry Terrorist to wait for the money while Angry Terrorist wants to
kill one for an example. Back to the SWAT center where the mercenary give Joe
his rifle so Joe can "give him their message". Back to the terrorists where
Head Terrorist wants to kill Robin for Joe's actions. Collins "mans up" and
tries to protect Robin saying that he'll force the terrorists to kill him
because no Collins means no money. Collins ambushes a terrorist and tries to
choke him to death. But Head Terrorist puts a gun to Collins head basically
saying that Collins proves his point and if he keeps pushing his buttons,
Collins will be dead. The terrorists leave.
It's a new day at the resort. Joe finds Church and convinces him to help him go
back to rescue the hostages. Church thinks Joe has a death wish but helps Joe
out by giving him some of his stuff. Joe wants Church to come along with him,
but Church says no again. Joe then asks Church for his boat. Church gives Joe
they key to his boat. Just as Joe was about to leave, Church changes his mind
and goes with Joe. Church takes Joe back to the snorkeling spot. Joe takes off
and goes through t he back way of the resort.
With terrorists surrounding the resort Joe sneaks in through the back way. Joe
dodges the terrorists and swims through the resorts pools until he's under a
bridge. Joe sees one of the terrorists, takes out a knife, and kills him
swiftly. Joe gets out of the pool and finds some of Church's unused fireworks.
Joe grabs them and makes his way through the resort. Joe sees a couple of
terrorists walking by and hides from them. Joe goes all out "Solid Snake Style"
by sneaking around the resort making sure that he isn't spotted. (RD: If Joe
pops out a cardboard box and hides in it. THAT WILL BE MONEY RIGHT THERE!) Joe
finds a couple of terrorists on one of the roof's of the resort and Joe sneaks
into a building.
Back to the SWAT center where the head of the SWAT center is pissed with Shaw
about Joe heading back into the resort. Shaw basically says "Not My Problem
B**CH!" The terrorists noticed Joe's assassination attempt and the native keeps
saying that they are worried that one man is at the resort killing people.
Collins is concerned about the situation. The native says that this one person
they keep saying they are calling "The American". Collins & Robin immediately
think its Joe & he's alive. Head & Angry Terrorist cleans up Joe's mess while
Angry Terrorist yells at clouds for Joe's death. (RD: I wonder if Angry
Terrorists knows Grandpa Simpson?) Joe's inside some storage area taking a look
at some blueprints and scouting out the area. Joe notices that the mercenary
traitor is with them and he takes off somewhere, Joe follows the traitor. The
Traitor is in the laundry room, he's about to pull his gun when another
terrorist enter the room with a bomb. Joe enters the laundry room, kills the
terrorist, and beats up the traitor. While a terrorist is planting a bomb near
the resort's back door area, Joe grabs the traitor and goes "Jack Bauer" on him.
Joe threatens to kill the traitor if he doesn't tell him where the hostages are,
the traitor doesn't speak until Joe puts his left hand in a dry cleaner press a
couple of times then as Joe was about to put the traitor's head in the dry
cleaner press. The traitor spilled the information saying where the hostages
are. Just as Joe was about to kill the traitor as per Joe's teammate's
"message". The Head Terrorist comes in and shoots at Joe while Joe escapes.
The Head Terrorists sends out his troops after Joe. While Joe is running and
shooting for his life from the terrorists, the Head Terrorists sees the traitor,
saws that the traitor told Joe where the hostages were and shoots him dead.
Angry Terrorist tells Head Terrorist that the money has arrived. Back to Joe &
the terrorists in a brutal gun fight. Joe is fighting for his life while the
terrorists are making it hard for Joe to survive. Meanwhile the Head Terrorist
is back with the hostages and tells Collins that they kept their word by not
hurting anymore people, now its Collins' turn. Collins' authorize his authority
to do the money transfer with the Head Terrorist using an IPhone to record what
Collins said. Meanwhile the terrorists have Joe pinned down. The terrorists
have Joe trapped when Joe uses a cement support column for cover. Joe kills one
of the terrorists but the others have him pinned to a point where they almost
destroy the column just by gunfire alone. One of the terrorists throws a
grenade at Joe and it throws him far from the column. Now we have a
hand-to-hand fight between Joe & the terrorists. At first the terrorists have
the edge showing their "Kung Fu skills", and then Joe gives them a look
basically breaking character by saying "I have to deal with Cody Rhodes & Randy
Orton all the time. You don't think I can take you out you Mutha F***ers?!?
COME ON!" Joe gets the edge by beating the holy hell out of the remaining
terrorists by kicking one of the terrorist's head through a wooden bookcase by
killing him (RD: Randy Orton be proud that DiBiasie learned his "Punt Of Doom".)
and by killing the other terrorist by stepping on his throat until he is dead.
Joe feeling satisfaction picks up his rifle and moves on.
Back at the SWAT center where Shaw is called in by the head of the SWAT center.
The terrorists are going to get their money except for one condition. Shaw must
be there in order for the exchange to happen because they want a government
representative to make it happen. Head of SWAT center gives him some warning
what might happen and Shaw accepts the risks.
Back at the resort where Joe
sneaks in and finds a couple of terrorists guarding the hostages. Joes uses the
fireworks he found as a distraction for the terrorists. The terrorists see the
fireworks and they all leave to check it out. While Joe's fireworks can be seen
all the way to the seaside village where Church sees the fireworks and is
shocked. While the terrorists try to find Joe, Church opens his chest that has
his old military stuff and thinks about what he might do. Joe enters the
hostage area where he finds Robin & the other hostages. Robin hugs Joe and Joe
takes all the hostages and leave immediately. While the fireworks are going off
the Head Terrorists thinks something is going on and he asks one of his
terrorists to head back to the hostages. While Joe escorts the hostages out of
the resort trying to escape the back area, Joe gets ambushed from a terrorist
and he goes down!
Back to the resort where they have Joe in chains hanging onto the ceiling and
the hostages ready for execution. Shaw is in the room talking to Joe. Seems
like Shaw was part of the terrorist plan right from the beginning. Shaw wanted
Collins, the resort, and all of America to pay for treating his country like "a
toilet". Shaw is in it for the money. And a part of Shaw's deal was to send
the mercenaries to the slaughter so the local authorities will stand down. Joe
wonders why Shaw would live. Shaw sees himself as a freedom fighter like the
terrorists. The head & Angry Terrorist come in. The money is transferred into
their accounts. The Head Terrorist plan now is to blow up the resort with the
hostages inside, use the money to raise an army, & Shaw will get an extra
bonus…in the form of Shaw getting killed. Shaw tries to defend his life but the
Head Terrorist simply sees Shaw as scum. So the Head Terrorist straps a bomb on
Shaw, throws him outside, and then…SHAW GOES BOOM! (RD: Did the writers of this
movie see "The Condemned" or something?) The terrorists leave the dining room
to strap the hostages near the bombs leaving one terrorist the pleasure to kill
Joe while the Head Terrorist takes Robin. Joe fights back by dodging the knife
attack, and using what mobility he has, kicks the terrorist ass, picks up his
knife, and kills the terrorist. Joes tries to struggle out of the chains but
the key is far out of reach. Joe somehow slips his hand out of the handcuffs of
the chains, falls to the ground, and gets the key to unlock his chains. Joe
grabs a knife and gun on the fallen terrorist while the terrorists are about to
leave the resort. Joe finds a hostage guarded by a terrorist and slits the
terrorist's throat. While the Head Terrorist and crew leave the resort. Joe
finds Angry Terrorist, the rest of the hostages, and a whole lot of bombs. Joe
& Angry Terrorist fight it out until Angry Terrorist takes advantage of the hand
that Joe used to free himself from the handcuffs and Joe collapses in pain. As
Angry Terrorist is about to kill Joe, Angry Terrorists gets shot from behind…by
CHURCH! Church gives Joe his shotgun, frees Collins, and gives Collins his
knife to free the hostages. Joe takes off to find Robin while the Head
Terrorist send his crew back to find out what's going on and kill anybody in
their way. Church & Collins try to free the hostages as fast as they can, until
the Head Terrorist activates all the bombs. Joe goes one way finding the Head
Terrorist while Church the hostages go another way for freedom. While Joe runs
after the Head Terrorist who is alone with Robin. The hostages run into the
terrorists sent in to check on the situation. Church snaps the neck of one of
the terrorists and Collins stabs the other one with his knife. Church gives
Collins a rifle and all of them are running like hell. The bombs countdown to
zero and… THE RESORT GOES BOOM! The hostages, Joe, Head Terrorist, and Robin
are safe and all right. The local authorities see & hear the explosions and
decide to head out. Robin & Head Terrorist are at the back way and its set with
enough explosives to make "Guy Fawkes Day" festive. (RD: Remember, Remember,
this 5th of November with the gun powder treaty pact. Yeah "V for Vendetta"
baby!) Joe follows the Head Terrorist & Robin. Head Terrorist sees Joe and
sets the explosives off burying Joe in a rock slide possibly killing him. The
hostage see the resort go up in flames and think everybody is ok. While Head
Terrorist and Robin are making their getaway through the seaside village.
Meanwhile Joe SOMEHOW (RD: He's a WWE Star & on RAW. Of course you know HE
LIVES!) survives the rock slide. Joe pulls out his gun and tries to follow Head
Terrorist & Robin. Joe is at the seaside village wondering where Head
Terrorist and his wife are, a villager shows them the boat that they are on.
Head Terrorist is on a boat and sees Joe coming and makes the typical villain
outcry of "Why Won't This MUTHA F***ER DIE ALREADY?!?" Head Terrorist finds Joe
and it's a fight between the two. Joe & Head Terrorist struggle until Head
Terrorist has Joe's gun and is trying to hunt him down. Joe runs for his life
with Head Terrorist following him & shooting Joe along the way. They hit the
end of the dock where Head Terrorist has a cane and starts to beat the life out
of Joe. (RD: And it's not a Singapore Cane too. Where's The Sandman when you
need him?). The caning continues until Joe grabbed the cane in self defense and
breaks it in two. Joe grabbed one of the canes and both men are beating each
other up. Now it's a fist fight until Joe & Head Terrorist are thrown off the
dock and into the boat where Joe went through the dock & Head Terrorist fell
right next to him. Joe sees Robin in a fish net & Robin is screaming to be
freed. Head Terrorist is about to kill Joe when Joe grabs a harpoon and stabs
Head Terrorist in the chest making him fall through a shed, collapsing, and
spilling some fluid inside a metal barrel all over the docks. (RD: Wanna bet
its gasoline?). Joe frees Robin from the fish net and they kiss until they are
interrupted by Head Terrorist screaming bloody murder against Joe. Joe throws
Head Terrorist over his shoulder in self defense; Head Terrorist sees a flare
gun and aims it at Joe. Joe & Robin dive out of the ocean while Head Terrorist
fires his flare gun. The flare combined with the spilled fluid blows the boat
up into a million pieces killing Head Terrorist. (RD: Yup its gasoline. Told
you.) Joe & Robin see the exploding boat and they swim to what is left of the
docks. Joe & Robin hug each other knowing that this ordeal is over.
The movie ends with a panoramic view of the seaside village and the smoking
remains of the boat.
Overall: This movie is way better and more believable than the original. The first one Cena looked "Kryptonian" while DiBiase looked more like a cross between "John McClaine" & Cena. Acting is way better than the original too. Unfortunately its the vacation version of "Die Hard". Nothing new to see here. However I think this MAY BE the best WWE has done so far. And with the recent amount of movies they made. WOW!
