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Mike Shannon's TNA Impact Review (Jan. 4, 2010) Written by Mike Shannon on 01/04/10
TNA Impact! (January 4, 2010)
-So it's the other show in the brand new Monday Night Skirmish and the rumors about the workers on the show have build up enough interest for me to take a peek and review the show. While TNA's ratings might not exactly be setting the world on fire, I feel the WWE has given them the window to possibly capture some viewers who might be sick of the "youth friendly" movement that has bored older fans like myself and driven them to the loving arms of Vince Russo yet again. God help us all.
Don't make me regret this, you sandal-wearing prick.
-LIVE from Orlando, FL.
-Tazz and Mike Tenay introduce their new broadcast partner, Bubba the Love Sponge, who interviews fans. Wow, it didn't take long for Hogan to start hiring his friends, did it? The fans sprout the "WWE sucks" line and promise great things for TNA.
Steel Asylum Match Motor City Machineguns, Kiyoshi, Homicide, Lethal Consequences, Suicide, and Amazing Red Well, look at this, an actual match to kick off a wrestling show! Big brawl to start and Lethal Consequences double team some unlucky participants. Alex Shelly scales the cage early while everyone brawls beneath him, but Lethal sees him and brings him back to earth. Lethal dominates for a second until Shelly takes his head off with a kick as it gets more and more impossible to follow the stuff.
Amazing Red hits a hurricanrana off the cage onto Chris Sabin but Homicide reveals he has a baton and starts beating the hell out of everyone with it. Crowd rightly boos the shit out of that booking decision. Homicide attempts to climb out of the cage but cannot make it which is kinda embarrassing.
No Contest
-As expected, Jeff Hardy makes his return through the crowd to beat the hell out of Homicide and deliver a Twist of Fate on the entrance ramp.
-A good TV match that had the crowd hot and pumped but then they f***ed it all up with a no contest finish that had the crowd chanting "this is bullshit", which is NOT the way to kick off your first Monday night broadcast. **
You sandal-wearing asshole
-Backstage, Jeff Hardy is happy to see Shannon Moore. I wonder if he'll become a JF'er now?
-Breaking news: Hulk Hogan is arriving by police escort. I'll bet you $100 that he walks to the ring at 8:59 PM.
-Kevin Nash is excited that Hogan is coming back and all the money that comes with it.
TNA Knockouts Championship Tars vs. ODB At least TNA is smart enough to get the women's match out o the way before Raw comes on. ODB's boobs seem to have grown in size since I saw her last. ODB attacks before the bell but misses a blind charge and takes a clothesline. Slugfest leads to Tara hitting a enzugiri and a standing moonsault for two. Tara ties ODB up in the Tarantula on the ropes and follows with a springboard legdrop for two. Widow's Peak is countered and ODB rolls her up with a handful of tights (causing a cut to a shot of an empty arena) and we have a new champeen.
Winner and NEW Champion: ODB
-Basically a squash for Tara before the fluke rollup. *1/2 Tara hits the Widow's Peak afterwards to get her heat back immediately.
-Backstage, WOOOOOOOOOOO Ric Flair debuts via limo (of course). This show just immediately got 100x cooler.
Has won more World titles than you've had pieces of ass
-Earlier today, Mick Foley has been banned from the Impact zone.
-Bobby and Kristal Lashley hit the ring to talk about how great Bobby is...and then immediately demand his release.
-Backstage, the Beautiful People play strip poker. Now THERE'S a quality way to use women in wrestling.
I'm sorry...what were you saying?
-Scott "Alka" Hall and Sean "I actually wanted to have sex with Chyna" Waltman attempt to get inside but are stopped by security. They are less than happy to hear this.
-Another limo pulls up beside Hogan's and someone switches cars. They are clearly just wasting time right now.
-Back inside, Hall and Waltman have gotten inside and are in the crowd. Tick-tock, tick-tock, we're at 8:51 right now, why not another commercial?
-Hulk Hogan finally makes his way to the ring at 8:56 (close enough) to entrance music that is definitely an nWo ripoff. Hulk immediately ruins the "Hulk is on his way!" story for the show by saying he's been in the back all day. Nice. He calls Hall and Waltman into the ring for a "Hey, yo!" Hall is all pumped that Nash, Hogan, Bischoff, Waltman, and himself are in the same arena again, but Hulk doesn't want a New World Order reunion. Hall threatens that change is going to happen, either with Hogan or without.
Kevin Nash makes his way to the ring and wants to know when Hulk Hogan turned corporate. Ummm...1984? Eric Bischoff joins the party to say that everyone needs to earn their position in the company. Hall, Waltman, and Nash take off and Bischoff promises change that starts TONIGHT. Bischoff rips up the format sheet and promises big change for the entire company. However, Sting is creeping around in the catwalks again....
Exclusive photo of Sting's transportation to the arena
TNA Knockouts Tag Title Awesome Kong & Hamada vs. Sarita & Taylor Wilde I worry that TNA is falling too much in love with their women's division with these titles, but I guess we'll see. Hamada and Sarita do an armdrag exhibition before Wilde tags in and hits her own armdrag from the top. The faces work the arm some more while Jeremy Borash finds the Motor City Machineguns knocked out in the back. Meanwhile, Kong squash Sarita but three dropkicks finally send her to the outside. Both women fly out of the ring and take out the heels and WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK FANS!!
Stallion
We come back with Hamada hitting a suplex on Wilde for two and Taylor plays YOUR sexy face-in-peril. Kong checks in and tries a powerbomb, but Wilde hits a Codebreaker and gets the tag to Sarita. She attacks but gets floored with a Hamada clothesline. Sloppy double team sequence leads to a Pier-6 brawl. Kong SQUASHES Sarita with her ass and looks to finish, but Wilde breaks it with a hard dropkick to the face. Hamada flings Wilde into the ringside post to get rid of her and the heels hit a SWEET dropkick-powerbomb combo that gives them the win and titles.
Winners and NEW Champions: Awesome Kong & Hamada
-A really good, fast-paced tag match that completely blew away anything that WWE has offered in the last 3 years. ***
-Backstage, the artist formerly known as Val Venis joins the Beautiful People's implants for their poker game.
-Meanwhile, Mick Foley still can't get where he wants to go. The Nasty Boys attempt to enter as well but are told to start the steppin and hit the bricks.
Raven & Dr. Stevie (w/Daffney) vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez Raven gets destroyed by Hernandez and tags out to Stevie who immediately gets nailed with the Carbon Footprint for the win.
Winners: Matt Morgan & Hernandez
-Well, there you go. DUD
-Backstage, the Pope is with Christy and isn't surprised Hogan requested him to wrestle. Pope talks about how great he is before Orlando Jordan makes his debut and pisses him off. Hopefully, Orlando has improved because he was pretty bad in WWE.
He got an action figure? REALLY?!?
Desmond Wolfe vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero Wolfe works the arm to start but the Pope comes back with a forearm off the ropes. Wolfe catches him with a hammerlock DDT and drives the shoulder into the corner to establish the psychology. A Pop sunset flip attempt is countered by another shot to the arm and and he works the shoulder in very impressive fashion. Wolfe misses a blind charge and Dinero hits the top rope handstand elbow drop. Wolfe tries the Tower of London, but Pope drops down and catches Desmond in a small package for the win.
Winner: D'Angelo Dinero
-The crowd was chanting "this is wrestling!" during the bout and I couldn't agree more. It was short, but definitely good **3/4. I'd love to see what those guys could do with 15 minutes.
-Jeff Jarrett has arrived. No report on how many wrestler's wives he attempted to sleep with on the way to the arena.
-Backstage, your personal hero and mine, Jeremy Borash, is with AJ Styles. They plug his match with Kurt Angle at Genesis before Eric Bischoff comes in and cancels the match with Angle. Instead, says Eric, that match is going to happen TONIGHT. I'm for it. I feel like its 1998 all over again.
Another angle Vince blew
-Jeff Jarrett (that's J-E-double F haha) hits the ring, with Dixie Carter looking on, and talks about how the critics said he wouldn't last a month, let alone have a Monday night show. Hulk Hogan interrupts and says Jarrett ran the company into the ground and Dixie Carter bailed them out. OUCH. The truth hurts, Double J. Hogan says he's now Dixie's partner and the young guys are going to get the pushes now, so Jarrett's gotta earn his spot.
-Backstage, Christopher Daniels tries to give an interview but Jeremy Borash interrupts and tells Christy that Mick Foley is here. JB tries to stop his buddy but can't do it.
THE TWEET AND TWEAK CONNECTION COLLIDE!!! IT'S FOLEY! IT'S BORASH! IT'S PAY PER VIEW!!!
-Still backstage, Jeff Hardy paints...now that's a tough guy.
Abyss vs. Samoa Joe Joe goes right on the attack with right hands in the corner and hits a stiff roundhouse kick in the corner. Joe makes the mistake of running into a big boot, so he takes a powder where Abyss runs him into the ring steps. Back inside, Abyss puts his head down and pays for it with a stiff kick and a senton gets two. Abyss comes back with a clothesline and a sidewalk slam for two.
Joe stuns Abyss and hits another roundkick off the top rope for another near fall. Abyss no-sells some strikes from Joe, so he kicks the hell out of his head...effective. Joe comes off the top but gets caught with a chokeslam for two, so he rolls to the outside and retrieves a chair. Abyss gets frustrated and shoves the referee out of the way so Joe smacks him with the chair and locks on the Coquina Clutch for the submission win.
Winner: Samoa Joe
-A decent, hard-hitting bout that was good enough for the time it was given. **
-Backstage, Bischoff meets Kristal Lashley (who really bothers me with the way she pronounces "Hulk Hogan") who is PMSing all over the place. Eric basically tells her to go screw.
-Still backstage, Bubba the Love Sponge has discovered a laid out Beer Money tag team. Come on Bubba, maybe they are just shitfaced drunk....their name is "Beer Money".
-In other news, the Nasty Boys are still trying to get in the building so Bubba sneaks them in.
-Jeremy Borash is with Kurt Angle, who promises to win the title back of course.
-STILL backstage, Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore have secret envelopes that Moore is extremely excited about.
-Back from commercial, the Nasty Boys are looking for Team 3D and destroy a locker room while they are at it. I expect a payoff match with a shitload of weapons.
TNA World Title AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle Wrestling exhibition has the audience split down the middle as AJ strikes the first blow with a dropkick. Forearm sends Angle to the floor and AJ follows with a 350 flip to the outside. He goes to work in the corner but the infamous masked man runs in for another attack. Angle doesn't like this guy ruining his title shot, so he gets rid of the masked man and helps AJ up. Look at the classy gold medalists from Pittsburgh!
Another nice sequence leads to Kurt powerbombing AJ into the corner and that takes us to break...
We return to Kurt hitting a SWEET overhead belly-to-belly and then taking ANOTHER break...
Finally, we return again with AJ mounting a comeback and hitting a fireman's carry into a backbreaker. Springboard forearm is attempted but Angle catches him into an overhead belly to belly in another cool spot. Angle slam is countered to a clothesline for two but Kurt comes back with a slingshot into the Pittsburgh suplexes. AJ tries the Pele kick but Kurt proves his awesomeness by catching his foot and trying an ankle lock. AJ counters with a rollup for two then hits the Pele kick on the second attempt for two.
Charge by AJ misses and the Angle slam gets two and the crowd wasn't buying that fall for some reason. AJ comes back with a HIGH springboard forearm but he makes the mistake of taking his time going up top and Angle springs to his feet and suplexes AJ off for two. Now it's Kurt's turn to head up top but a frog splash (?!?) misses and the Styles Clash only gets two. Damn good match so far with them pulling out all the stops and having to expand their offense because the other knows their normal stuff so well.
Angle fights off a superplex and this time the frog splash hits but it gets two as well. MOVESET, BABY! AJ counters an Angle slam into a DDT for two and tries a sunset flip, but Kurt turns it into an ankle lock. Styles kicks him off but Angle hits a SWANK release German for two. The crowd chants "Who needs Bret?" which is pretty dumb because they would EXPLODE if Bret Hart ever walked into that arena of theirs.
Springboard inverted DDT gets two for AJ as the awesomeness continues and both men end up on the top rope. Angle slam from the top rope only gets two but I DEFINITELY would have made that the finish because it looked sweet and made sense in the psychology of the match. Ankle lock is put on again but AJ kicks out and an enzugiri sets up another Styles Clash for yet another two count.
AJ tries another Styles Clash but that's a HUGE mistake against Kurt Angle because he turns it into the dreaded HEEL HOOK as Ric Flair makes his way to ringside.
AJ breaks the submission and a back suplex sets up a springboard 360 splash that even has my wife going "damn!" We take a quick commercial and come back with the guys fighting over submissions and AJ rolling through to hit a 632th Styles Clash. AJ heads to the apron and hits ANOTHER 360 splash that FINALLY pins Kurt Angle in an amazing TV match.
Winner and STILL Champion: AJ Styles
-I was worried about the beginning of the match, because the commercial breaks really disrupted the flow but the last 10 minutes are some of the best you'll ever see. The lack of psychology keeps it from being the highest of the high, but this match kicks off 2010 in an AWESOME way. ****1/4
-Hogan comes out and endorses Angle and Styles as the best wrestlers in the world but stops and heads backstage when he hears Foley is in the building.
-Mick barges into Bischoff's office (formerly Mick's office) and Eric informs him that his power is gone and he's got to get in line with everyone else. Mick threatens to kick the hell out of him but Waltman, Hall, and Nash attack and kick his ass all over the office. Hogan arrives just as we go off the air...
Final Word Well, in the first shot of TNA vs. WWE, the winner was DEFINITELY Total Nonstop Action wrestling. Not only was their show more entertaining but the wrestling blew the WWE's right out of the water. WWE's handling of Bret Hart's return was extremely disappointing while TNA made sure to give themselves a much needed facelift and showcase their stars. I really think this will get the company some new viewers and might show Vince that wrestling geared towards adults actually works.....
