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ringsideMAYHEM >> News Article
Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Jan. 18, 2010) Written by Mike Shannon on 01/18/10
WWE RAW (January 18, 2010)
by: Mike Shannon (dlman91@hotmail.com)
-So I did manage to catch TNA's offering last night, but was at a party and could not review it...I must say I am very disappointed. The night got off to a bad start with the crowd booing Hogan out of the building and it went downhill from there. Some more random thoughts:
1. Why does Scott Hall still have a job?
It didn't work 8 years ago, it won't work now
2. Two bait-and-switch matches will NOT make people buy more PPVs.
3. Sean Morley shouldn't get comfortable.
4. If Ric Flair forms a new version of the Horseman, I'm in. If Bischoff books them to hell again, I'll fight him.
5. If they really want AJ Styles as a heel, he needs a complete character makeover.
6. Finally...
Winner and STILL champion...
-LIVE from the University of Tennessee (you think Lane Kiffin asked for tickets?)
-Vince McMahon kicks us off and says Bret Hart should be put down like a horse because that's what he does with old wrestlers. That's alot closer to reality than Vince probably would like to think. He runs the crowd down some until the Undertaker's music hits and Vince shits himself.
-Taker says he was there at Montreal and he knows Vince is scared of Bret Hart. McMahon hits the bricks and allows Undertaker to answer HBK's WrestleMania challenge. Shawn comes to the ring and Taker's answer for WrestleMania is...no. BUT, he is willing to do it TONIGHT. However, that doesn't work for Shawn so he says unless it happens at Mania, he's not interested. HBK says there's only one thing left for him to do...win the Royal Rumble. Nice storyline and segment.
-Recap of Kofi Kingston botching the ending of last week's match.
Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne Bourne gets the All-American Wrestling introduction., showing you where he lies in the pecking order. Sheamus dominates Bourne while Randy Orton makes his way to ringside. The distraction allows Bourne to show off his offense and get the double knee press for two. Backbreaker ends the offense and the Carbon Footprint sets up the Razor's Edge for the win.
Winner: Sheamus
-How many times are we going to establish that Sheamus can beat Evan Bourne? God forbid the guy gets a win on TV *. I'm sure they'll job him out a few more months before giving Bourne the "future endeavor" line and he heads for the X-Division.
-Post-match, Sheamus holds the ridiculous looking WWE title in Orton's face....this match does absolutely NOTHING for me.
The creative team is really working overtime on this one
-Backstage, DX meets guest host Don Johnson, who can't find co-host Jon Heder. HHH really hates Heder and that segues into a weird gag of Carlito dressing as Napoleon Dynamite. That was just weird.
-Jack Swagger wants a rematch of the over the top rope challenge from last week, but Santino is busy so he has a replacement...
All-American American American American American American American American American American American American American American American American American American Challenge Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry Swagger's offense has no effect and Henry press slams him over the top for the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
-DUD, of course.
-Backstage, Jon Heder arrives with the slutty Bella twins, who seem to be up the ass of every guest host. Two words: star f***
ers.
Sucking up with the Steelers shirt won't stop me from calling you a skank.
-Both co-hosts hit the ring as I wonder if you have 2 C-level celebrities, does that equal one B-level celebrity? Like are Heder and Don Johnson the equivalent of one Keanu Reeves? Heder goes the heel route and mentions Lane Kiffin before bringing out the Miz.
-Miz equates Johnson's Miami Vice co-star Tubbs to MVP...why, cause they are both black? For shame, Mizzie.
MVP comes to ringside to defend his honor, but Big Show follows him out and hits the KO Punch to get rid of the midcard joke. Heder decides to book Big Show and Miz against DX for later tonight.
John Cena & Kofi Kingston vs. Legacy Cena chases Rhodes out of the ring and hits a facebuster on DiBiase for two. Ted catches him with his head down and John gets trapped in the heel corner. Cena plays face-in-peril for the typical tag team formula and gets a comeback cut off by a DiBiase clothesline. Ted actually busts old the OLD SCHOOL FISTDROPS!! Exciting the hell out of me until one misses and Cena gets the hot tag to Kofi, who cleans house with the usual Kofi stuff.
Trouble in Paradise is telegraphed, so he hits his punches in the corner until a Rhodes distraction allows another clothesline to put Kofi in the Ricky Morton role as we head to break...
Just beyond great
We return with Kofi still getting his ass kicked in the heel corner, but a DiBiase charge to the corner misses however Rhodes cuts off the tag. The heels cut the tag off once more but Kofi finally hits a back suplex and gets the hot tag, allowing you (my intelligent reader) to guess the four moves that come next. Attitude Adjustment hits on Cody, but DiBiase saves at two. Kofi gets the blind tag and DiBiase ducks out of the way of a high cross body, but it hits Rhodes and gets the three count.
Winners: Kofi Kingston & John Cena
-It was a technically sound match, but very old-school with the cutting off tags and such. All that was missing was Jim Cornette slipping his tennis racket to DiBiase or something. Solid, if not somewhat predictable ***.
-Post-match, Cody walks out on Ted, sowing the seeds of the upcoming face turn. THE MARINE 2 WON'T SELL WITH A HEEL ON THE COVER!!
-Backstage, the f***
ing midget challenges Jon Heder to a match tonight. HHH decides to make the main event a six-man because Vince McMahon hates me and wants me to die of a severe ulcer.
Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim & Eve Alicia's walk just looks freaking ridiculous. Gail goes through her usual stuff on Maryse, hitting a missile dropkick for two. An Alicia cheapshot turns the tide and Maryse hits a sloppy backbreaker for two. They are all so awful. Alicia comes in with her own backbreaker for two, but she misses the scissor kick and Eve gets the EXTREMELY lukewarm tag. Clotheslines bore the crowd and a senton gets two. Eve, for some reason, goes to the top rope and locks on a cross armbreaker, which gets the submission.
Winners: Gail Kim & Ever
-Really awful with zero crowd heat and zero reason to be on the show. Eve's new submission makes zero sense since she goes into the ropes before locking it on instead of just doing it on the ground. But who cares? She sucks anyways. 1/2*
I can dig it
-Backstage, Jon Heder freaks out about wrestling but Miz and Show make him feel better with a Ric Flair robe. OK then.
-Still backstage, Vince and his son-in-law talk about Bret Hart and HHH has something serious to tell Shawn.
Randy Orton vs. Chris Masters Yeah, bouncing boobies Chris Masters was a good idea. Don't have Eve's implants bounce, make the roided up guy do it....have I mentioned Vince hates me? Sheamus comes to ringside while Orton works over Masters with uppercuts. Masterlock is countered but Randy runs into a powerslam for two. Orton comes back with his inverted backbreaker and signals for the RKO, but Masters comesback with the Masterlock. Orton falls into the ropes to break and hits the RKO out of nowhere to win.
Winner: Randy Orton
-Masters had no chance and everyone knew it *1/2. Sheamus hits the pump kick for the fun of it.
-Next week, some jokes from the show "Psych" host. I have no idea who those guys are and why I should care.
Big Show, The Miz, & Jon Heder vs. D-Generation X & the f'n midget Odd message thanking the Tennessee Department of Commerce for allowing Raw to shoot "on location". What the f***
is Vince smoking now? If you heard a whirring sound during Jon Heder's entrance don't worry...that was just Lou Thesz spinning in his grave at top speed.
We take a commercial break and come back with Miz hitting a reverse neckbreaker for two on HBK. Miz stomps away and brings in Big Show, who continues to be fat and hits a side slam for two. Jerry Lawler acting SHOCKED that Heder is in this match is really stupid considering Seth Green, Jeremy Piven , and just about every single other guest host involved themselves in a match during their hosting.
Miz comes back in and takes some chops and the sequence ends with a double clothesline, leading to a hot tag to Hornswoggle (why God?). Miz thankfully kicks his ass and brings in Jon Heder, who should never take his shirt off in public ever again. Heder misses a blind charge and Hornswoggle bites his ass before tagging in HHH, causing Heder to run for his life. Don Johnson is there to toss him back to HHH but Big Show attacks from behind. HBK saves with Sweet Chin Music and Big Show falls on top of Jon Heder. The f'n midget hits the Tadpole Splash on Heder and gets the win.
Winners: DX
-What an absolute joke. Please God let TNA get better because this garbage has to stop. *1/2
-Post-match, HHH says this crap with HBK chasing Undertaker has to stop because DX can't work with them both chasing the title. John Cena hogs the spotlight and announces he's in the Rumble. Big f'n deal...that's considered a "major announcement"? Cena brags he'll win the Rumble, but Big Show pulls himself up off the floor and says HE'S going to win, of course. He floors DX but Cena puts him on the floor and DX, in turn, tosses Cena. HHH reveals his announcement by tossing Shawn over the top and yelling he'll win the Rumble. I guess it's every man for himself or something.
Final Word Well that sucked. There was no storyline advancement aside from HHH declaring he's going to win the Rumble, but how is that shocking news? The main event was terrible, Orton and Sheamus are still boring as hell and nothing was resolved. Oh and there was NO BRET HART! TNA is wide open to suck up some of WWE's audience with the awful shows they have been putting out lately and they need to (as Hacksaw Duggan would say) attack, attack, attack.
