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Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Jan. 25, 2010) Written by Mike Shannon on 01/25/10
WWE RAW (January 25, 2010)
-Caught a really interesting documentary called "Bigger, Stronger, Faster!" about America's obsession with steroids and winning. It was actually directed by the brother of former WWE jobber Mike Bell (famous only because Perry Saturn beat the shit out of him for real on television for botching a move during their match). There's a lot of references to pro wrestling and makes for an interesting 110 minutes. Knowing how Mike Bell's life turned out, on the other hand, makes the movie very sad.
-Yes the Penguins are playing tonight but it's against the Rangers, who haven't been relevant since 1994.
Enjoy this picture, Ranger fans. It's as close as you'll ever get.
-So we have an AWFUL guest host lined up this week (one of them had surgery and won't be appearing), but rumors of a Bret Hart return have me SLIGHTLY hopeful for a decent show leading into the Royal Rumble this Sunday.
-LIVE from Columbus, OH (what the hell is a Blue Jacket anyways?)
DX vs. Legacy If you would have told me in 1999 that, 10 years from now, DX would be tossing glow sticks to fans and skipping around the ring like morons....Well, I would have called you a liar, sir. The f'n midget is missing because HBK wants to know why Hunter can't let him win the Rumble and challenge Taker? HHH wants that title shot dammit, which Shawn understands. You know, I'm very surprised that HHH has gone this long without a World title reign. That mean's we're probably going to be treated to Raw is HHH here in a few months.
Cody gets his ass kicked by HHH, but DiBiase yanks him out of the ring to save him. Cole let's us know we have BREAKING NEWS about the beloved guests host but WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK FIRST!!!
You're still a joke
We return with HBK getting the hot tag, as Cole informs us of the one guy from Psych not being here. No one cares. HBK cleans house and takes out both heels with a top rope dive. A DiBiase distraction allows Cody to hit a neckbreaker and the heels do the normal double-team stuff to trap Shawn in the corner. DiBiase hits a boot to the face for two and Cody comes in with a russian leg sweep for another two.
Cody takes out Hunter but Shawn counters and there's no one to take his tag. Finally, HHH recovers and Shawn is able to take HHH and he hits his usual spinebusters. He goes to Pedigree Cody, but Shawn tags himself in, which pisses Hunter off. They have the STAREDOWN OF CERTAIN DEATH but Shawn still hits Sweet Chin Music on Ted for the win.
Winners: DX
-Both guys look very suspiciously at each other as they pretend to celebrate. They REALLY need to take the titles off these two on Smackdown because they don't need them and aren't doing them any good. *** Technically sound, but I feel like I've seen this match 3408 times.
-Promo for John Cena guest-starring on Pysch. Guess if I'll be watching or not...
NOT!
MVP vs. Big Show MVP just bores the shit out of me...apparently the crowd agrees with me because he get's no reaction whatsoever. Contrast that to Miz, who gets decent heel heat and cuts a promo on MVP's jail time. MVP counters by saying Miz would be a bitch in prison. If the Miz is Beecher, then who would Schillinger?
The Big Show's man boobies are now so big that they are protruding from the side of of singlet...it's outta control. Show dominates with strikes, but MVP comes back with a mafia kick in the corner, but runs into a chokeslam and that's all she wrote.
Winner: Big Show
-Match was about a minute long 1/4*. MVP, at this point, is Over's cousin...Not Over.
2 more points and a W...bitches
-Backstage, Legacy bonds but Orton promises to win the title. Yawn.
-Still backstage, Cena plugs Psych with Dule Hill and Miz gets a pretty good dig on Hill ("I had to Google you to find out who you are"). Hill promises a match tonight for revenge.
-Why buy the "Best of Raw 2009" when you can just print out all me reviews and take them into the bathroom with you?
Divas Tournament Maryse vs. Eve Dule Hill is playing with the pyro and accidentally interrupts Maryse's boring promo (Maryse: "Who are you!?!). Breaking news: No one cares.
Eve weakly pounds away in the corner and hits a TERRIBLE dropkick for two. Senton gets another two and follows with a sloppy bodyslam. Moonsault hits nothing but mat and Maryse tries a DDT, but Eve hits a Northern Lights suplex (kinda) for two. Then, with no buildup, Maryse hits the DDT for the win. Bad.
Winner: Maryse
-I've seriously gotten so sick of ranting about how awful these matches are and how they wasting all this money putting these skanks on TV....1/4* Oh well.
Wow, another hot woman who can't wrestle to save her life...what a concept
-Vinnie Mac hits the ring to let us all know he is NOT a coward and asks the crowd if they want Bret back. Of course they do and, because Vince is a dick, he announces Bret will never appear again. He goes out to the crowd to ask why he should bring back Bret and let's just say that Columbus will never win the "most beautiful population" award. The amount of kids in that audience shows exactly why this product is go goddamn boring these days, storyline-wise...it still doesn't explain why the in-ring product blows.
Vince doesn't get a good enough answer so he bids us farewell but the spotlight hog himself, John Cena, joins us because God knows he's not on TV enough every week. Cena takes offense to Vince saying old wrestlers are trash and McMahon only cares about money (NOOOOOOOOOO). He wants Bret back on Raw and drops an Outback Jack reference, immediately making me not hate him for 4 seconds...
He got a trading card?!?! REALLY?!?!
Vince proclaims he is not afraid of Hart and will invite him back. Vince is, however, pissed Cena interrupted him and books Cena/Sheamus for tonight.
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston Wrestling sequence starts us off and Kofi hits a pair of cross body blocks but a third is met with a boot to the face for two. Miz hits the chinlock while I ponder driving to Columbus and kicking the shit out of Michael Cole for saying this year's Rumble will be the "most star-studded ever." I hate this announce team. Miz stomps away before going back to the chinlock and boring me further. He can cut a really good promo but can't back it up in the ring just yet. That's why he's in the midcard, boys and girls.
Kofi catches Miz with a kick and hits a frog splash for two but Miz stops him with a neckbreaker for two. Miz gets ready to finish but MVP's music hits and distracts him long enough for Kofi to recover and hit Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
-Really boring match between these two 3/4*.
-Backstage, Carlito sucks up to Dule Hill and plays with the control board. Hill punches in a random code to decide who will be Carlito's opponent and it ends up being Kelly Kelly.
Carlito vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly is dressed extra slutty tonight. Santino interrupts and plugs the Best of Raw DVD before promising that 2010 will be his year and is taking Kelly's place. Jack Swagger jumps him from behind though and avenges getting tossed by slamming Santino's face into the post. No blood of course because professional wrestlers don't bleed anymore.
No match
Thank God for women who will do anything to be famous
-Same Royal Rumble video that they air every year. Chris Benoit is naturally excluded even though he won entering at #1.
-The other guy from Psych calls in backstage and isn't funny. Alicia Fox interrupts and flirts with the other Psych guy. She promises bad things if she doesn't win her match tonight.
Divas Tournament Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim Kim gets the All-American Wrestling entrance and Dule is doing commentary. Gail hits a monkey flip and they f***
up a reverse headscissors, which is expect at this point. Alicia hits a sloppy backbreaker for two but misses a charge to the corner and Gail hits a powerslam (called a scoop slam by Cole) for two. They job around for a little bit until Gail hits the Eat Defeat for the win.
Winner: Gail Kim
-Stupid and bad *. Post-match, Alicia smacks the hell out of Dule Hill.
-YOUR guest host for next week: William Shatner. He's certainly no stranger to WWE.
Sheamus vs. John Cena Wrestling stalemate and Cena gets two but runs into an elbow in the corner. Sheamus stomps away but takes a vertical suplex for a near fall. Sheamus comes back with a clothesline and a suplex of his own for two then slowly punches away. He forces Cena to the apron then hits a knee that sends John to the floor. Cena fights back in and tries an Attitude Adjustment but gets DDT'ed for two. Bodyslam gets another two before Sheamus goes to a resthold.
Cena fights out of the hold and tries the STF but gets kicked to the outside where he tastes the ring steps. Cena beats the count in an unnecessary spot and comes back with the usual crap. Attitude Adjustment is countered into the side slam backbreaker, but he takes too long setting up the pump kick and is trapped in the STF. Sheamus quickly gets to the ropes and rolls to the outside. Cena gives chase but runs right into the pump kick and we get ANOTHER count out tease. While the referee is counting, Orton sneaks in and hits the RKO to end the match.
Winner by DQ: Sheamus
-Of course they would never announce Sheamus won by DQ because that would give a loss to Cena and God knows we can't have that. ** Orton tries to deliver a Hangman's DDT to Cena but John hits the Attitude Adjustment for no reason whatsoever because HE'S NOT IN THE MATCH!!
Final Word Once again, another crappy show that does NOTHING for me. With one of the "Big Four" coming this Sunday you would think they would have hyped the shit out of that thing, but it's just another bad show with people saying "I'm going to win the Rumble" over and over again.
