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Mike Shannon's Royal Rumble 2010 Review Written by Mike Shannon on 02/01/10
Royal Rumble 2010 (Jan. 31, 2010)
-So this is part one of my mega-review for the day with this being followed by Raw later tonight. I am armed with my Jordan Staal t-shirt, an unlimited supply of Pepsi, and probably Sheetz later tonight.
It's your fault if you've never experienced this
-By the way, there is still time to get your questions in for tonight's premiere of "Ask Mike Anything". Already got some good ones and some REALLY bad ones.
-LIVE from Atlanta, GA (who keep trying to convince the rest of the country they aren't in the hick South....not fooling me)
However, it does redeem itself by being home of Badstreet, USA. Now I'm going to have that damn song stuck in my head all day.
ECW Championship Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson Do you think Paul Heyman watches these events and just slams his head repeatedly against a hard surface? Jackson won a battle royal to get the title shot because that's the lazy creative team's fallback to whenever they need a new number one contender and don't feel like building one up.
Jackson uses his steroid power to start, but he gets dumped and Christian follows with a springboard dive to the outside. Back in, Jackson stomps away while Striker gives him a very backhanded compliment that probably wasn't meant the way it came out. Christian reverses and chokes out the heel on the ropes, but he gets caught heading up top and slammed. Regal sticks his British nose into things and gets tossed by the referee, so Jackson gets pissed and sends Christian into the ring steps for a two count.
Like Jackson, only with crowd heat and actual wrestling talent
Resthold leads to a chokeslam for two and Jackson follows with a delayed suplex for another two. After a blocked sunset flip (which never works on big guys), we go to a chinlock until a Christian comeback is stopped by a right hand for two. They both head to the top and Christian blocks a superplex attempt before following with a flying elbow for two while my wife discusses with her sister that she thinks Christian is hot. I think that gives me a free pass later during the women's match.
Jackson no-sells the elbow but staggers into a missile dropkick for two and Christian tries the Killswitch, but Jackson eventually counters with a clothesline for two. Backbreaker gets another near fall but Jackson misses a blind charge and a tornado DDT gets two for the champion. Christian tries the Killswitch again, but Jackson counters with an Oklahoma Stampede. Christian is unfazed, however, and hits the Killswitch to keep the title.
Winner and STILL Champion: Christian
-I don't watch much ECW, but Jackson is pretty damn bad. But, since he's roided to the max, he'll keep getting pushes for the foreseeable future. The ECW title is basically on par with the European title of the late 1990s and that's not a compliment. **1/4
-Backstage, Cryme Tyme tries to convince Teddy Long to give them two spots in the Rumble this year. This somehow leads to them trying to steal the Great Khali's spot and hilarity ensues when Khali calls them "homeslice". The Miz questions the relevance of this and Teddy Long books a match against MVP. Snore.
-Still backstage, Cody Rhodes promises he's got Orton's back tonight.
US Title The Miz vs. MVP MVP runs him into the corner and hits a clothesline for two then follows with a suplex for another two. MVP eats boot on a charge but manages to hit a back body drop while Matt Striker tells a story where the Miz did NOT shake Terry Funk's hand. THAT BASTARD! MVP hits a back suplex for two and dumps Miz to the outside, but Miz manages to toss MVP into the announce table and drive him into the apron.
Back inside, Miz hits a legdrop and hits his clothesline in the corner before following a double ax for two. MVP fights out of a chinlock and hits a flapjack with a facebuster to set up the Ballin' Elbow. Playmaker is countered, but Miz runs into a boot for two. Miz tries to come back with a neck snap, but MVP hits a flying shoulderblock (actually called "The Pounce" by Striker) for two. MVP misses a boot in the corner, but counters the Skull Crushing Finale into a rollup for two.
Pinfall reversal sequence gets two for MVP, so Miz takes a powder to regroup. MVP follows and tosses him back in, but Miz surprises him with a small package as he comes back into the ring and gets the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: The Miz
-Post-match, MVP beats down Miz and the crowd, rightfully, boos him out of the building. You just can't trust those guys from prison. Cole tries to say Miz deserved it but really there's no excuse and it's just MVP crying like a little girl. An OK match, but nothing more **1/2.
-Backstage, Jericho meets the Big Show and tries to hide his black eye. Y2J gets a pass on the mugshot because it was a minor incident.
Just kidding
-Badstreet...Atlanta, GA....Baddest street in the whole USA....
WWE Championship Sheamus vs. Randy Orton Orton gets the face pop because Sheamus is nowhere near over enough to be in the spot he's in...and people wonder why Raw sucks.
Orton wins a standoff and hits a dropkick before acting like a snake to annoy me. They head to the outside where Sheamus slams Orton's arm into the ring steps then he works it back inside the ring. Orton escapes a slam attempt with a chop block and goes to work on the knee of Sheamus before getting two. Sheamus kicks out of a spinning toe hold while King tries to make excuses for the dead crowd. The champ goes back to work on the arm while the crowd goes apathetic.
Orton comes back and wraps the leg around the post then works it some more while I get more bored by the second. Sheamus comes back works the arm some more as the crowd goes to get popcorn and piss. They have a slugfest with Orton on the receiving end of the "YAY" chants but Sheamus hits his backbreaker for two. Sheamus tries the Razor's Edge but Orton counters and dumps him to the outside.
Hangman's DDT gets two and he tries for the PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH but Sheamus runs away and sends Orton into the post. Then, out of nowhere and for no real reason, Cody Rhodes runs in and lays out Sheamus on the outside in front of the referee, so it's a DQ.
Winner by DQ: Sheamus
-Zero crowd heat, an uninteresting match, and a bullshit ending *1/4. Legacy finally explodes and Orton lays out both Rhodes and DiBiase. If THAT'S his face turn, I'm not impressed. Sheamus lays out Orton just because.
WWE Women's Title Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James I refuse to recap the absolute garbage of the "Piggie James" storyline.
Yep, fat. Huge. Gigantic. Monstrous. What a f***ing joke.
I'm sure the average looking woman watching this just LOVES this storyline with a size 3 woman being ridiculed for being fat by a 110 lbs. woman who dates the f***ing Undertaker.
Anyways, after what seems like a 30 minute boring-ass heel promo by McCool, Mickie runs in, hits the DDT, and wins the title in like 14 seconds.
Winner and NEW Champion: Mickie James
-Total trash DUD. The storyline gets -**** however. Good to see the women on Smackdown are just as useless as the ones on Raw.
World Heavyweight Championship The Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio This has potential to be a shitkicking of the highest order. Rey tries to use his quickness to strike but gets TOSSED to the outside in a cool spot to set the tone for the match. Rey gets on the apron but gets SLUGGED on a springboard attempt in another effective spot. Taker misses the apron legdrop but that just pisses him off and he drags him back into position for another one. Chokeslam attempt is countered to a headscissors that puts Taker in the 619 position, but he catches Rey and nearly Tombstones him in an awesome spot.
Rey kicks from the crowd and busts Taker's nose hardaway (IT'S TV-PG! IT'S TV PG! THERE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BLOOD, DAMMIT!!!), which REALLY pisses him off and Rey springboards into a big boot. Taker kicks his ass outside the ring, but a big boot attempt only hits post. Baseball slide hurts the knee further and Rey follows with an Asai moonsault. Rey tries a baseball slide but Taker is SUPER PISSED and epically tosses him into the ring barricade, which gets two inside.
Taker tosses Rey into the corner for two and hammers away before hitting a side slam for two. Mysterio comes back with an inverted DDT with a sitting dropkick and he drops the dime for two. Taker has had enough of this little Mexican's shit and clotheslines the hell out of him. Last Ride is attempted, but Rey dropkicks him and hits the 619. He goes back to the well and hits ANOTHER 619 and tries to hit the West Coast Pop but gets caught and Taker hits the BIGGEST Last Ride I've seen to keep the title.
Winner and STILL Champion: The Undertaker
-Taker is PERFECT in these big vs. little matches and plays the role very well in his advanced age. Rey bumped around the ring like a ping pong ball on speed and entertained the hell out of me. ****1/4 for a great match.
-...the further down the block you went, the badder it got...
-Backstage, Kane warns HBK about being obsessed with the Undertaker. HHH joins him and HBK wishes him luck but he REALLY thinks he's going to win.
Royal Rumble Match Dolph Ziggler is #1 and Evan Bourne is #2. I do not foresee anyone breaking distance records this year. Everyone always makes a big deal about being #1 but being #2 is EXACTLY the same. Just as I type that, Matt Striker says the exact same thing just to piss me off. Bourne controls in their mini-match while Striker explains the rules for the REALLY stupid people in the audience. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag but can't get Bourne out, so Evan hits Air Bourne while CM Punk is #3, joined by my Facebook friend Serena Deeb. Bourne and Ziggler bump heads, allowing Punk to toss them both and cut a promo. I love CM Punk. HBK is apparently not a fan of the "savior" storyline, but it's freaking money.
Hot AND good taste in Facebook friends
Speaking of money (you see what I did there?), JTG is #4 (Punk: "Excuse me, it's clobbering time."). JTG briefly controls but he jumps to the top rope like an idiot and gets tossed. Punk calls for the mic again because he has MORE TO SAY! Great Khali is #5 and Punk promises to make him the GREATER Khali by saving him. Khali is unimpressed and chops him down and locks on the head vice. Beth Phoenix is #6 so they can get rid of that whole "Chyna is the only woman in the Rumble" factoid. Khali places her on the apron, so she bites the bullet and makes out with him, using the distraction to leverage him out and eliminate him.
Beth attacks Punk but she quickly Goes to Sleep and is eliminated as Zack Ryder and his ridiculous tights are #7. Punk pretends to cut a promo on him but attacks instead and dumps him quickly. The crowd is DIGGING CM Punk. Finally, HHH is #8 and Punk's playtime seems to be VERY over. Hunter intimidates him and eventually hits the spinebuster as Drew McIntyre is #9 WAY too quickly. I'm not timing these things, but that wasn't even close. HHH kicks McIntyre's ass and Punk tries to sneak in the GTS, but HHH tosses him to end my fun.
The IC champ hammers away while Ted DiBiase is #10 and looks pissed his dad didn't buy him a higher number. Powerslam (again called a "scoop slam" by Cole because he's a f***ing moron) for Hunter and the heels beatdown the DX member while John Morrison is #11 and he saves HHH. He jobs around with DiBiase for awhile and eventually hits Starship Pain on McIntyre. Kane is #12 but this isn't 2001 so he doesn't get to eliminate 49 people upon his entrance. He does get to kick everyone's ass though, so that's something.
Cody Rhodes is lucky #13 and has absolutely no chance of winning this thing. He teams up with DiBiase, naturally, and beats Kane down. HHH saves Kane for some reason while crybaby MVP is #14. Miz gets his revenge by smacking MVP with the US title upon his entrance, injuring him for the meantime. Morrison hits a stiff kick on McIntyre but not a whole lot else happening in the ring right now and Carlito is #15 as the ring desperately needs cleaning. Carlito cleans house and hits the Back Stabber on everyone (which is devastating in Royal Rumble Drinking Game) but The Miz is #16. He ends Carlito's reign on terror but MVP returns and they both tumble over the top to eliminate each other.
Guys lay on the ropes until Matt Hardy comes in at #17 and he's got offense to dish out. Unfortunately, he was involved with the police last week so Hardy gets tossed 10 seconds in by Kane, who follows him out via HHH. His damn entrance music wasn't even done playing...that's heartless. Hunter kicks everyone's ass with spinebusters but BFF Shawn Michaels is #18 to clean house. Bye bye Carlito, see ya Cody Rhodes, don't forget to write Ted DiBiase, then John Morrison tastes the floor as well. Wow, that was Hogan-like.
Drew McIntyre tries to take on DX but that is not the ideal situation and he's eliminated as well. DX faces off but John Cena is #19 to break up the party. Cena cleans house and HHH saves Shawn from being eliminated with the Pedigree and HBK thanks Hunter for his help by superkicking him out and eliminating him! That was awesome. Shelton Benjamin is #20 and he hits Paydirt on Shawn and Cena, but John ends the midcard rampage and eliminates Shelton quickly. A couple boos for that one.
Yoshi Tatsu is #21 and he might as well be Virgil because Yoshi F'n Tatsu isn't going to WrestleMania. He gets some kicks in before Cena ends his night after Tatsu screws up the elimination spot. Shawn vs Cena entertains until the Big Show and his man-titties are #22. He jiggles his way down the ramp and headbutts Cena and Shawn. Crowd has a collective heart attack as Shawn has to skin the cat back in, but he gets slammed by Show. Mark Henry is #23, still looking like Kool-Aid and still not over after 13 years of being pushed. The fat guys have a slugfest and a Cena assist allows Henry to bodyslam Big Show.
Chris Masters is #24 and just call him Bushwhacker Luke or Headbanger Mosh. He hits a press slam on Shawn but makes the mistake of attacking Big Show and gets eliminated. R-Truth is #25 and eliminates Mark Henry AND Big Show at the same time....damn, didn't see that one coming. He keeps momentum going, kicking the hell out of Cena and Shawn until Jack Swagger comes in at #26. He looks like a freaking moron running to the ring but hits running Vader bombs once he gets there and clotheslines Shawn to the apron for another *GASP* from the crowd.
Kofi Kingston is in the coveted #27 spot and he dispatches Swagger after showcasing the offense. I'm sure they'll be a feud on Raw after that. Truth and Kofi go at it in the corner and Kingston almost gets tossed but ends up eliminating R-Truth instead. Chris Jericho is #28 and drunk in public as he goes after Cena but takes the Attitude Adjustment to end his streak. Shawn follows with a flying elbow to Jericho but Kofi interrupts Sweet Chin Music with Trouble in Paradise. Cena quickly eliminates Kofi after that (which the crowd does NOT like) and Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Cena as EDGE is #29! Monster pop for that.
Edge dishes out spears for everyone as you can tell he hasn't been able to work out in months. He quickly tosses Jericho and hits the Edge-O-Matic on HBK then plants Cena with the DDT. Striker tells us to call our friends but isn't $44.99 a little steep for the last 6 minutes of a PPV? Finally, Batista is #30 and we have our final four.
Batista cleans house on everyone until everyone decides to hit their finishers. Spear for Big Dave, AA for Edge, then Shawn recovers and chops away on everyone. Edge and Shawn fight to the apron but Batista charges and...eliminates Shawn Michaels. Oh, shit. The crowd is pissed and HBK FREAKS OUT, taking out "Little Naitch" Charles Robinson with a superkick. (Shawn: "That was my last chance...") Nice bump from Robinson. They finally clear out Shawn and Cena avoids the Batista Bomb and ducks a clothesline to eliminate Big Dave. Edge preps a spear as the crowd starts to dig it but Cena avoids it. He goes to clothesline Edge out, but he avoids Cena and dumps him to win the whole thing.
Winner: Edge
-A surprise winner + a tightly booked Rumble + innovative spots + AWESOME Shawn storyline = a GREAT Rumble. This is the best one recently and MUCH better than last year. It sets up some damn interesting storylines for WrestleMania and...well, hell yeah *****3/4.
Final Word Aside from the throwaway women's match and boring WWE Title match, this event is an easy thumbs up. A GREAT Royal Rumble is always the solution to a lackluster undercard but even the Taker-Rey match was freaking sweet. A great event and hopefully the track WWE will be on in 2010.
See you later tonight, get those questions in minions.
